My (not so) Private Affair

Tempo: Accelerando

2012-02-23T23:07:00.001+08:00

Have been away from the music scene for 2 months, since my last concert in December. As much as I had wanted the best of both worlds, I realised I could not. At least not when I was still threading on an unfamiliar ground, absorbing an astronomical amount of knowledge... And whatnot... Then. :)

And so, I've been immensely consumed by work recently, and been desperately slotting in available hours for piano prac.

Me on Steph's Kawai upright grand. :D

Steph and her mum have very graciously opened their house for me to practise at night. Appreciate it a lot. :)) One more week to my exam and I can finally free my mind of it. I'd then probably continue with music theory and catch up on my cello while waiting for the result.

Plan to return to the music scene end March if The Roster allows. I miss rehearsals a lot.

It is a complicated love tangle between work, piano, cello and, me. I am constantly rearranging my priorities among them, as it is impossible to give equal amount of devotion to all. >.<

And now I wonder how people could even handle an extramarital affair.

2012-02-14T00:10:00.001+08:00

When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too...
Is when I fall in love with you.

~~~

Beautiful lyrics, my sentiments exactly! :)

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

A Silly Worm

2012-01-27T03:27:00.001+08:00

It has been adrenaline-filled days of anticipation, self-defense, challenges, relentless determination and breakthroughs.

For too long, I have felt like a worm burrowed deep in the after-rain mud. Trapped in my own tiny sphere of bubble, too introverted to face the bustling world above. Being out in the open, even for a while, means having the possibility of getting stomped and crushed.

Until recently, I decided it is perhaps time to screw myself up. Literally. I could feel the resistance of gravity anchoring me down. But this time, it can't bring me down anymore. I'm determined to break free. And I will. :)

~~~

Last night was almost another ordinary night, lying on the bed, in my best effort to shield off spontaneous arrows of thoughts shot in random directions all over my cranium. I swear my mind has a mind of its own.

To entertain myself while my mind was doing its own stunts, I turned on my iPod and put this song on a repeat mode. It's my favourite Chinese worship song and it touches the soft spot in my heart all the time.

However, last night, a phrase in that song hit me really hard and pierced through that soft spot right into my heart.

"主耶穌今天我為你活" - Jesus, I'm living for You today.

This is a very common sentence, people talk and sing about it all the time. Honestly, it was only until last night that it had finally made sense to me.

*Censored a large chunk of words and saved them in draft instead*

The moment I heard it, I was brought back to that fateful day, a few months back, when I had wished I was dead... It was scary because it had felt so real.

I could not stopped crying the moment I finally understood that sentence last night. A reminder to myself, in times when it seems like I have nothing I want to live for, I can still live for God. Funny how God teaches.

~~~

Anyway today! I finally had my first piano recital, to an audience of 20-odd fellow schoolmates at NUH. That was the most courageous thing I've done with the piano to date. It was almost crazy. :)

And this is how a nurse would say it -

I BLOODY DID IT.

Whine and Die

2012-01-15T02:17:00.001+08:00

Just had a crazy idea to pack up and leave this place.
There does not seem to have a good reason to stay.
For one, I don't like the air I'm breathing.
And then, the sight I'm seeing.

In all honesty
I wish I'd vapourise
Fast and dry
Like alcohol on hot skin

The need to run away is too compelling.
It is also, ironically, my motivating factor for work.
And yet, ironically, again; having financial freedom also means concurrently being under bondage.

How is it like living each day having someone breath down your neck? Or feeling like a broken doll which needs fixing by every erm. well-intended person...? Or being pushed around by people who crave for that pseudo sense of superiority?

Yea... If it makes you happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S: Now, don't get too serious about my title, it is just my badbad. attempt to rhyme the 'whine'. Oh yay it rhymes again. =P

Piano.O

2012-01-13T02:11:00.001+08:00

Hot or not? :D

What happened was... I became bored recently of playing the same pieces all the time. So I was casually browsing through my scores on my messy piano top. Lo and behold, this piece, which has been lying there for a really looong time, stood out like a... Veggie stuck in the teeth. :D

Out of curiosity, I took it out and played. It made a fun sight-reading piece since the left hand accompaniment is basically similar throughout. But playing it in time is, of course, another story. >.< Nonetheless! It got me quite addicted. Major source of entertainment now that I'm on a 2-day MC.

(Thanks Yang for giving me this score a few years back... Now you know I haven't exactly touched it since... =x Hehe.)

This means neglecting the rest of my more crucial pieces.... Which is bad in view of my upcoming mini piano recital. Anyway... Yes... I'll be performing 3 of my Grade 8 exam pieces + one other. Trust me to do random things like that. :D

The only reason is because I screwed up my previous exam in August mainly due to nervousness (+ a thousand excuses). Thus, I reckon a pre-exam performance would do me much good, of which I otherwise would not even have the audacity to suggest. Hesitating whether or not I should tell my teacher... Lest she becomes frantic and freaks out. Or something like that.

It would be my first piano solo kind of solo. So alone and stranded. >.< Better buck up. :(

2012-01-06T02:13:00.001+08:00

He took his last breath
A sigh of relief
A garner of all his strength
To expel that reluctant spirit

He was finally freed from all earthly woes
Cuffs were loosen
Shackles broken
No longer a captive of the world

Shrouded in white
Relishing in the sweetest slumber
Years had he waited
For a moment such as this

He had toiled hard
He had had enough
Death was his reward
Cry for him not

----------------------------------------------------------

Me ish too lazy to think of a title.

iMisses

2012-01-02T23:54:00.001+08:00

I miss

practices.
church.
life.
me.

Surprise~, my entire life is now revolved around work.
It is perhaps more than what I bargained for.

I hope it is worth the sacrifice at the end of the day.

2011-12-13T23:22:00.003+08:00

Ello!

Writing from my iPhone for the first time. =P Only because my laptop has very gently collapsed and is now under the care of my bestie's dad, who has very kindly helped to resuscitate it. At least all my photos are saved. :D

I have little to say at the moment, life is busy as usual but is mostly filled with the kinda fun which are worth getting tired over at the end of the day. In case you are wondering, yes I'm still very much alive and up and about. :D Although I must say, there are days I feel like a hamster on a running wheel, chasing wind, going nowhere.

If you can identify with that.

I'm glad to be more settled at work now, although there is still an endless road ahead. It is daunting to even think about the future. But I'm happy to say that nursing in Singapore is gradually evolving for the better. Not apparent as of yet, but... Just watch. ;)

There are of course side effects of work such as a screwed up mealtime, almost nightly insomnia, and well a very messy life schedule. Just to name a few. Oh and very morbid thoughts at times. It is inevitable to reflect on death and dying from time to time, when day in and out you are being exposed to it.

More often than not, the ones crying are in fact not the ones who are dying. I believe it takes more courage to live than to die. And the thing which scares me most is to live as if one is dead.

Pardon my thoughts in my recent posts. I'm honestly still learning and figuring. It is a topic people love avoiding, although all of us will have to face it sooner or later. It's true.

Ignorance is, indeed, bliss.

2011-11-07T01:35:00.001+08:00

What we do not know won’t hurt us, right?

A simplified definition of ‘knowledge’ which I came up with:

Knowledge –> power –> responsibility –> burden -> sorrow

(Which holds true only when read from left –> right.)

Here’s the amplified version:

Gaining (knowledge) is like having a baton passed to you. It is now in your hands (power). You have the (responsibility) to hold on to it and make greater use of it than the person before you (burden). Hence the ability to influence and reach out to more people. More people = more problems/challenges = more (sorrow).

And lastly, a case scenario, to make better sense of it:

3 years of nursing studies (knowledge) –> license to practice(power) –> lives of patients in our hands (responsibility) –> have to be proficient in skills and do no harm (burden) –> every kind of (sorrow) arising from failure to meet expectations of self, patients, colleagues; doing more harm than good; being scolded by sarcastic and rude anyone; general sadness over patients’ and their families’ situations.

Insert your own scenario if you’d like. =p

Of course if you want a more optimistic (or rather, idealistic) definition… It can be rearranged into a simple chain diagram:

Knowledge –> power –> responsibility –> knowledge –> blabla

Ampliflied version:

Having acquired knowledge, it puts you in a place of authority which means you have the responsibility to translate that knowledge into greater use. Having being able to do so, you want to do even better. Hence acquiring more knowledge, which might lead to promotions/higher ranks (power) and hence more influence (responsibility).

And so on.

Perfect.

As we can see, a tiny seed of knowledge goes a looong way, which usually ends with more sorrow to self and possibly/hopefully more benefits to others. It can also be a dangerous weapon whereby an abuse of it could result in fatal consequences, especially when used with self-centered intentions.

And of course, on the other hand/concurrently, knowledge can also bring us joy and satisfaction and can generally increase our quality of life.

But… Are there not more sad days than happy ones? Are not tears louder than laughter? Are not worries heavier than all confidence condensed?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S: Just some midnight thoughts, which arose from one stupid trivial incident. Anyway, please feel free to share your own definition of knowledge. :)

Who’s right?
Who’s wrong?
Who cares?

Cheap Thrill

2011-11-02T02:34:00.001+08:00

Ellooo

Just came back from a 3-day trip to Cameron and Genting Highlands with my mum.

Basically I saw a lot of trees and plants every day. It was a good brake for my mind and all the crazy things happening in SG.

2011-10-21T01:33:00.001+08:00

Greetings.

And so it goes, I’ve been working for close to 3 months now! 0.0

Time flies at such astonishing rate, life can easily pass us by without us realising. That, to me, is a daunting thought. I remember the first time seeing an asystolic ECG strip, I had stared at it for a good 10 seconds. Speechless.

A line to prove the end of a life.

I thought to myself: This is it?

Yes. Indeed.

In other words, life is short and not to mention, very vulnerable. We don’t have the luxury of time to fulfill all the things we want in this lifetime. People die every day with words unsaid, deeds undone, art unexpressed.

Relationships unmended.

Could-have-beens.

_________________

And every day is a struggle to prioritize my time.

2011-09-05T01:31:00.001+08:00

Greetings from a one-month-old nurse!

I’m loving it!!! So much to learn so much to know!

Getting myself acquainted with the superfluous medical jargons.
And getting better in deciphering ugly handwritings.

I love my patients. I only have the best intentions for them.

Long way to go…….

NUS –> NUH

2011-08-12T21:51:00.001+08:00

It’s been 2 weeks of pure orientation @ NUH. Many more of such days ahead in the subsequent few months.

It was only until today that I finally went to my ward and was introduced to my colleagues. It was the same ward (or rather the discipline) I fell in love with during my attachment in Year 1 Sem 2 as a student. I had since then worked in 2 other similar wards at NUH in both Year 2 and 3.

I don’t why the affinity towards Oncology. I guess it’s like love at first sight? You can’t exactly explain it.

Now that I’m back as a (real) nurse, the expectation is definitely higher. It will be pure hard work for the next 1 year. Or 2.

My greatest challenge yet.

Nice to meet you. :)

----------

The past 2 days had been emotionally turbulent. I lost count of the number of times I broke down. I had felt the resistance of my boundary. Perhaps I had pushed it too far, it kinda rebound and knocked me down. It had been dark days, I guess I had fallen a tad too deeply.

It’s Friday today and “TGIF” is beginning to make sense. I promised myself not to cry anymore. And I have not.

3 cheers. :)

Pit Stop!

2011-07-31T00:44:00.001+08:00

When I’m very sad, I think of my big brother. I wish he was here with me… He’d probably understand me the most. :’(

Anyway, that aside, it has been a fruitful 2-month break. I spent most of June in Thailand and Australia, and July practising on my instruments.

In a nutshell, I’ve officially graduated from NUS, gotten my nursing practice license and starting work @ NUH coming Monday as a Staff Nurse.

I don’t know what to make of that - my first career after 18 years of education. It is like a rite of adulthood. I am like a bird set free, there is now boundless possibilities for my future. I am my own pilot. What a strange and exhilarating feeling.

The world looks different to me now. I’d probably spend the next few months readjusting, readapting and reorientating my mind and lifestyle; and the next 2-3 years acquiring healthcare knowledge and nursing skills. My ultimate plan is to go overseas (most preferably the UK) to further my studies (most preferably on music therapy or palliative care) and/or to work.

‘That is the furthest I can plan at this point of time… I know it looks kinda ideal and I’m of course expecting obstacles along the way.

______

Apart from that, I need to plan for my music pathway too… And my main concern is the lack of practice when I start work. Sigh. I guess one can never have the best of both worlds.

I’m now preparing for my Grade8 piano exam which will take place next month and will be taking Grade8 theory coming March/September. I’m hoping my teacher would be willing to do express teaching and I can get over and done with this whole ABRSM graded exam thing in March.

After which, I’m looking at piano diploma… And would need to find a new teacher. Ok one step at a time… Lol.

As for cello, I’m taking it slow… Having lessons fortnightly, with random performances once in a while. My next concerts will be in September with BHSO and December with TMO. That means having rehearsals at least twice in a week.

I am not sure if I can afford the time anymore. Sigh.

____

Sad.

Gulp.

2011-07-15T02:22:00.001+08:00

It had been a great time spent in the presence of God tonight.

I must say it was awkward at first, after being away for so long.

I was listening to this song, as tears and mucus concocted…

Words were choked up, I could not speak.

I had felt nothingness, as if all had been taken away from me.

And all I had at that moment, was God.

There was no need for anything more.

It was a sweet reunion.

I had been out on my own for too long.

Not too smart at all.

I struggled with the first words of prayer…

I did not have the courage to speak.

As if God had not already known what was in my heart.

No, He knows my every thought.

And He cares.

I had to get it out.

My burdens, my desires.

Words soon became fragmented sentences,

Injected with awkward pauses.

But yes, I got it out, I GOT IT OUT.

There was such relief.

Immediately the heaviness was lifted.

There arose a confidence I have not felt for some time.

Things are now in God’s hands, not mine.

I know His ways are always higher.

He can definitely handle it better.

Eyes-blended

2011-07-02T01:50:00.001+08:00

Life would be much easier if I am less confused.
About the things that are happening, about theories.
About me.

I find myself always being torn.
Between beliefs and actions, between people.
Between loves.

Life is a patch of grey.
It has always been.
I need a clearer vision.

Words Unsaid

2011-05-17T21:56:00.001+08:00

This is a song I wrote on 15 September 2010 at 2:10am. Very precise. Because I had composed and keyed into my iPhone while lying on the bed. Haha.

It is quite different from the previous 2 songs I wrote in terms of content and genre. Surprised myself too. =P This is actually rather upbeat… If you can imagine. =)

Here goes.

~~~

I can tell you’re reaching
I can see how hard you’re trying
But it doesn’t work like this
And it won’t work out at all

I must say the cliche
It is me and not you
Don’t waste time on me
Go and find another new

You are all good all nice
The kinda guy my mum would like
You have good grades big dreams
The perfect guy…
For someone else.

~~~

Raw lyrics. Can definitely throw in some “na na na” or “la la la”. =) Or use a better a choice of words. But that was all my 2am mind could muster up. Grins.

Vanity of Life

2011-04-29T22:04:00.001+08:00

Countless times have I felt so small.

So insignificant.

Like a speck of dust,

A grain of sand.

A coconut tossed in the vastness of an ocean.

I often wonder what God sees in me.

It is written that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made.

It is hard to see the “wonder” in me sometimes,

When all I see are flaws and imperfections.

Of always trying and never reaching.

I need a revelation of who I am,

The purpose I am created for.

For whose standards am I living up to?

Seas will never be filled, nor stars numbered.

All is vanity and grasping for the wind.

Heart Matters

2011-04-21T04:13:00.001+08:00

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

- C.S. Lewis

And so it goes…

2011-03-19T10:59:00.001+08:00

We have officially completed all formal lessons in school – no more lectures or tutorials. There will be a series of postings coming up, 2 final exams and an assignment deadline to meet. And this is it…?

It has been the best 3 years of my life.

I wonder what the future holds…?

A Beautiful Mind

2011-02-17T23:56:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow marks the end of my 2-week mental health posting at the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) a.k.a the Hougang Chalet. It is, however, nothing like it.

I first entered with limited knowledge about psychiatric patients or even had any idea how a psychiatric ward functions. The only personal encounters I had was with demented, schizophrenic and depressed patients in general wards. That’s a grand total of 3 patients. And of course, not forgetting John Nash whom I’ve read about.

Prior entering the ward, we had a briefing by our clinical instructor and director of nursing about what to expect and the precaution to take. From what was being said, fear began to creep in, I imagined the worst of possible scenarios.

We had an orientation around the entire hospital. It is huge. There are 9 blocks in all and 1 is dedicated for forensic patients, while they are held for psychiatric review or awaiting trial. There are 2 CISCO police, a female and male, at the ground level and a security gate at the entrance. Students are not allowed to enter.

We were divided into groups of 8 or 9 in each ward. I couldn’t wait to finally experience for myself the ‘essence’ of IMH. There had been too much hearsay, too much mystery. It doesn’t help that both of my lecturers and tutors for this module are foreigners from the UK and Thailand, who have little insight into the situation in Singapore.

I was assigned to a 40-bedded male acute ward, which further intensified my fear for justifiable reasons. An acute ward is catered for patients who are brought in by the police or via emergency, with a few walk-in cases. These patients are more volatile and violent, as compared to those in a chronic ward with more stable mental states.

I can never forget the first time we stood outside the dormitory, watching 7 or 8 patients walking towards the closed doors and stood there staring at us. There were 2 small see-through rectangular openings on the doors, and they were all trying to squeeze their faces within each opening to look at us. This picture is etched deep in the recesses of my mind, I was horrified and completely crept out. Never have I been that afraid of anyone.

It was a complete culture shock as we entered the ward. I won’t describe its environment here. It is nothing I imagined. I felt vulnerable being surrounded by 30 odd male psychiatric patients, paranoid that one might attack me just because.

By the way, mental patients are always right. It is our responsibility to be alert and keep safe.

That was Day 1.

The next day, I was more mentally prepared and had gotten over the culture shock. Though still apprehensive and awkward, we initiated conversations with some patients and eventually got acquainted with a majority of them there.

I feel privileged to be able to enter this discreet world, interacting with suicidal, aggressive and anti-social people of Singapore. They are the ones forgotten, rejected and stigmatised by society. They are also the ones who brought so much joy and laughter to me these few days…

Parting would be hard tomorrow.

新年快乐！

2011-02-05T05:04:00.001+08:00

It’s the time of the year again, reuniting with family members and close friends. I feel blessed beyond measures just having them in my life. They are the ones who know me and still stay with me through the years. It warms my heart to know that. :’)

My grandfather is getting frailer as years pass, I feel helpless that I can do nothing about it. Just as seasons come and go, some things are beyond our control. My grandmother is still as healthy and strong so I’m happy for her. I think it is sweet to grow old together.

Which leads me to another point. CNY is also a time when relatives grill you on love relationship matters. Unfortunately (for them), I don’t have any juicy news to share each year. Over the years, my so-called checklist has been reduced, to just ONE big question directed to myself now. It’s for me to know and my future boyfriend to find out after we are attached haha. If we ever.

As noob as I am, I think a relationship is about serving each other. The person whom I love will also be the one I will sacrifice my time and mental and emotional energy on. These are the 3 utmost precious things for me, considering my line of profession and other commitments. I hope he will do likewise. But until then, I shall remain care-lessly single. :))

2011-01-27T19:31:00.001+08:00

First 2 weeks of school have been good thus far, in fact I loved it! ^^ We have 3 modules this semester with intermittent clinical attachments, and I foresee a tough life ahead. Thankfullyyy I have very interesting tutors and group mates who make learning so much more fun. :)))

In this last semester we will be focusing on how to manage people and situations in the ward and how to give proper education. Most of us would already have had a glimpse into the reality of nursing and each would have our own share of bad experiences with staff. I must say it is not easy working with a group of women of a diversity of cultures and education levels. There is bound to be conflicts and inevitably, gossips, which would affect the dynamics of a ward.

It was only until recently that I realised the biggest irony in nursing – it is easier to deal with a patient than another nurse.
For even dogs don’t eat their own.

_________________

On a lighter note, we did Jung’s personality test for tutorial this week and learnt more about ourselves.

Check this out if you have not!
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

I’m an INFJ (Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging)
http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html
99% true!

*Do note that ‘judging’ in this sense means being detailed. Of which I’m not. =/

Lemme know your results! ^^

Happy 2011!

2011-01-10T00:52:00.001+08:00

I hope you had a great time of celebration! ^^

A new year always brings along new hope, new goals and new expectations for me. Fireworks are usually harbingers to a new year. They lift people out of their reality for a while, and inject magic into the otherwise worn out souls.

I love fireworks. ^^

Well, I started this semester a week earlier than most of the NUS students, working at NUH paediatrics ward. I have a soft spot for sick/neglected/abandoned/abused/suicidal children. It breaks my heart. I feel helpless.

As nurses, we are supposed to foster rapport with patients, yet at the same time, remain emotionally detached. What a feat. I guess it is for self-protection, you don’t want to cry during/after work every day. It could be overwhelming and draining. We tend to keep our emotions hidden, exhibiting a nonchalant outlook, but that does not make us less human.

I have 5 more days in paeds, and let’s see what it will bring forth…

Academic studies will commence next week in school, I’m actually quite excited and for all the wrong reasons.

Well, have a great year ahead everyone! ^^ Enjoy.

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-23T01:09:00.001+08:00

Thank God for carrying me through the toughest semester thus far. Tears and blood had been shed in this mental massacre within myself. I was a mess, chaotic.

Many battles in life are fought in solitude, unnoticed by the passing world. It is in silence, we learn.

Little wonder most of life’s greatest lessons are taught by ourselves - an experience, a mistake, a revelation. It is by being in it, we remember.

____________

Updates

Piano – Done with Bach and Haydn. Moving on to my 3rd exam piece by Gershwin.

Cello – Seeing a gradual improvement after the 3rd lesson and I’m happy about it. :) Had a great time performing with TMO last night, playing “Christmas Concerto” by Corelli and “Angels We Have Heard On High”.

School – Done with Obstetrics & Gynaecology posting @ NUH. Currently on a 2-week term break. WOOHOO. Final semester will begin on 3rd Jan 2011 @ NUH, Pediatrics for 2 weeks.

_____________

I would like to wish everybody a Merryest Christmas, one filled with much joy and warmth from dear ones. Have fun!

复杂的我

2010-11-23T22:32:00.001+08:00

心内有好多说不出的话
不知如何开始。。。

Just thinking…

2010-11-06T12:53:00.001+08:00

In relation to Darren Ng’s case, where is the ethic in taking photographs of him lying in a pool of blood, slashed and dying, and publishing them to the world? If he was your BROTHER, would you do that?

_______

While brushing my teeth last night, a revelation suddenly dawned on me that the reason why we could have a relationship with God and could actually FEEL God’s presence is simply because He is our heavenly Father.

I am saying this in relation to my older brother whom I have never gotten to see, whom passed on due to miscarriage a year before me. In spite of this, I sometimes still think of him and could actually feel close to him.

I can never understand this bond which we have.

I guess it’s not a common topic to talk about since it’s perhaps illogical, but I had a discussion with a few who had the same experience, so I’m glad I’m not mental as I sometimes thought myself to be.

And I guess it’s the same concept for God. Though I have not seen Him, we have a bond which none could break. Those who have not known Him would probably find it hard to fathom and conclude we are really in delusion.

_________

It’s a haphazard post, just to clear my mind, I’m rushing off to school to do up my essay.

And oh it’s Saturday.

Hi November

2010-11-06T01:23:00.002+08:00

Updates

Piano - Teacher has finished teaching Bach’s prelude and fugue no. 21 for my exam. Currently practising that and Chopin’s Waltz in Db major. Will start on Haydn’s Sonata in C# minor exam piece the next lesson.

Cello - Lesson will commence next Saturday with my new teacher. Back to basics yet again. Have not practised. Orchestra is currently rehearsing Beethoven's No. 5.

School - Currently working on a research review essay, one more major assessment ahead and I need to start preparing for end of semester exams.

Mood - Stressed, distressed, depressed.

Quality of LIFE - Low.

__________________

Deary me, what have I gotten myself into.

Heart To Heart

2010-10-12T00:00:00.001+08:00

I fell in love with this song the moment I heard it during service last Sunday. It’s a very old song, I was told, but I haven’t heard it before. I love how simple it is with no fancy decorations or effects.

It was as if the song sprung out of the abundance of the songwriter’s heart, in its purest most sincere form; and as if he/she couldn’t contain his/her love for God, it had to manifest itself into a song. :’)

I believe just as iron is used to sharpen iron and diamond is used to cut diamonds; only words/deeds from the heart is able to touch another heart.

Likewise, when we sing to God with all our heart, I believe God’s heart will be touched too.

This song reminds me that I’m really nothing without God and how much more I need Him in my days ahead. I’m very grateful for all He has done in my life… :’”)

___________

Happyest birthday to xls, btw. :)

P.S: Argh, 1 minute late. :(

Live & Die; Laugh & Cry

2010-09-26T02:20:00.001+08:00

Hi, it’s been long.

And so it goes, some changes have been made in my life since my last update.

Piano – Merit for Grade 7, moving on to Grade 8. Finallyyy.

Cello – Involved in a chinese ensemble performance with about 5 others very randomly. Otherwise no progress, or even worse. Will be learning under a new teacher in November.

School – Finished all assignments for one module. In the midst of doing 3 more. Grrr. Otherwise nothing much.

Weight – Grew fatter, if you haven’t realised. =/ But if you do, keep it to yourself! Heh heh.

___________

All well, the main highlight of the month would be my 4-day clinical shadowing with a palliative care nurse in NUH. She’s the only one whom I admired most thus far and aspired to become.

All 4 days tagging along with her had been the best time of my clinicals, as I observed how she communicated with dying patients and their family members and discussed the plan of care with them.

The choice of words she used was carefully uttered with a great ounce of sensitivity and tactfulness, and most importantly with sincerity and love too. Patients whom she had never encountered, could open up to her so easily.

All these talks about death and dying had been thought-provoking and teary for me (but didn’t drip down), especially with crying family members or helpless patients. I admired how my nurse maintained her professionalism even in sticky situations where words were insufficient.

We encountered a suicidal patient who found no meaning in life anymore in view of his progressive cancer disease which was causing him much pain. My nurse explained to him that pain was easily manageable and tried to divert his thoughts to things in his life which could bring him joy and hope. She also mentioned that all of us will eventually die, but it’s the way we die that could affect how others would remember our passing and cope with the grief.

There was also another brother who desperately wanted to donate part of his liver to his sister who was diagnosed with breast cancer which had metastasised to her liver and other parts. He poured many questions to 2 palliative doctors and was told repeatedly that it made “no sense to do so” as her cancer cells had already entered the bloodstream. Furthermore, a liver transplant is a major operation which would further lower her immune system and could even cause both of their lives.

Life and death issues right in my face.

I had a revelation of what it means by the phrase “every day is a gift”. This thing about “gifts”, I would think that it’s not merely a passive process of giving and receiving. How would anyone like it when we give someone a gift enthusiastically only to be received with nonchalance???

Likewise, I think that when God gives us the privilege to live another day, He’d also want us to embrace the day with fullness of joy and gratitude, and perhaps with a “YIPEE” when we wake up lol. And of course I believe He has a purpose for giving us each day, as He has for everything He does.

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24

See See Look Look

2010-09-06T23:59:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I don’t know to close my eyes or look to the sky.

I’m often fascinated by stuff in the sky – clouds, stars, moon, sun, rainbow (if I’m lucky), lightning, kites, birds, planes, whatever. I think the sky contains so much magic in it. It’s so alive, yet not.

The wonders and boundlessness of the sky make all troubles seem insignificant, like tiny specks of dust which just happen to land onto your life, and ever so ready to take off somewhere else again.

However, all being said, the sky is like a make-believe world, where clouds hang like marshmallows, where you can find a pot of gold at every rainbow’s end. It’s an instant temporary escape from the harsh reality, where you’ll eventually find yourself back to square one again.

~~~

On the other hand, when I close my eyes, I see darkness. I feel my innermost thoughts skyrocketing straight from my heart into my brain. Sometimes, it is too much to bear, the influx of thoughts and overwhelming emotions manifest themselves as tears, trickling down my cheeks.

Issues become magnified as my field of vision becomes narrower and more focused. Sometimes, the things I see or imagine scare me. Big time. It is so unnecessary. Sometimes, the heaviness weighing down on me makes it so hard to even open my eyes, and all I see are those looming troubles.

~~~

Then I’ll be reminded of this beautiful song

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of the earth
Will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

It always brings tears to my eyes, knowing that God knows, and He cares. There arises a quiet sense of security and assurance, even in the midst of chaos and disarray; and a sense of empowerment knowing that God is in partnership with me in every battle. There is nothing too big that He, thus me, can’t handle together!

~~~

Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

Romans 8:37

Amen!!! ^^

When Music Speaks

2010-09-02T01:22:00.002+08:00

I had an incredible spontaneous urge to compose a song the other night, out of the overflowing love I received last week from family and friends alike. Moments like this are hard to come by, and I knew I had to do it there and then.

I find bathrooms especially inspiring, probably because of the constraint space and hence less distraction. So naturally that was the place I went to get it started. I managed to come out with 2 stanzas and I pretty liked it since they’re words straight out of my heart.

I then had a bath (so convenient) and went back to my piano to put sounds into the words. I must say I really like it ^^, though it composes of really simple melodies and rhythms in F major. Took a mental break on my laptop, followed by the chorus.

By the end of 2 hours, the song looked kinda complete and I was very pleased. ^^ Self-entertainment to the MAX. ^^

It goes like this…

~~~

Verse 1

My heart is filled with gratitude
Of the unselfish love you gave
It’s a special kind of love
Which asks nothing in return

Chorus

It must have been a miracle
It must have been from up above
It must have been a priceless gift
Sent way down into my life

Verse 2

I have thought through and mulled over
All the deeds that I might have done
It’s hard to come up with one
When there’s really none I did

Chorus

~~~

After looking through, I realised it can also be a worship song to God too. I was really very touched and blessed by the song… It brought tears to my eyes when I sang it. I don’t really know how to say, but it didn’t seem like I was the one who composed it.

The previous song that I wrote was also very spontaneous, it arose during an insomnia in the middle of the night (about 3am?) a few years ago. I remember the entire process of creating the melodies and lyrics took less than half an hour, like in a snap of a finger.

Fearing I might lose the entire song by accidentally sleeping, I quickly took out my handphone and recorded it.

It goes like this…

~~~

Hold on tight unto Jesus
He will never let you go
In the rough waves of your life
Know that He is in control

Jesus reigns above all storms
You don’t have to be afraid
Look to Him and He’ll be there
Beside you and through it all

~~~

I love this song a lot… Like the latest song, it has very simple melodies and sounds more like a children’s church song, very cute. ^^

Sorry I’ve been raving about the songs… I’m just biased right. ^^ But honestly speaking, I don’t feel like they’re MY songs, but rather songs put into my heart by God, to bless myself and the people who hear/read it.

This is probably God’s kind of therapy for me, for my down days. ^^ My ultimate dream is to perform music therapy for others in the hospital, especially in palliative care, for patients with terminal/chronic illnesses. I hope my songs/music is able to bring healing, hope and joy in people’s souls.

A Grand Welcome Back To School

2010-08-19T01:46:00.001+08:00

It’s the 2nd week of Year 3 Sem 1 @ NUS, been really slooow thus far. It’s probably time I start making concrete post-grad plans. I have shortlisted a few paths, mainly revolving around music and nursing. Of course.

Last week seems so surreal and distant. Memories have already receded deep into the recesses of my mind and will probably stay there for the next 50 years. That is, if I am still alive and without Alzheimer’s/dementia.

Well, it went like this. On the FIRST day of school, I was the 2nd last to reach my music lecture @ YongSiewToh. Apparently, the seminar room was too small to contain 80 people, and you know how people like to sit around the entrance and not shifting deeper in.

I had to squeeze my way through a row of students at the back to reach some vacant seats, apologizing to them while doing so. In my frantic mental state, I overlooked a HUGE black bag in my way and actually TRIPPED over it and FELL. Thus disrupting the lesson for about 15-20 seconds with my extravagantly flamboyant entrance.

Trust me to do things like that. HAHA.

_________

The NEXT day.

I was supposed to have a performance in school with the NUS harmonica orchestra. It was only the day before that I knew I’d be the only cellist playing and we had a cello solo part.

I was unable to attend soundcheck that day due to lectures and thus unfamiliar with the stage and the student conductor who took over.

What happened on stage that fateful evening was everything I hoped not to happen. It was extremely traumatising. I cried intermittently throughout the entire night until I fell asleep.

Thank God for giving me the courage and strength to return for rehearsal 2 days later and face the music and the orchestra once again. It certainly wasn’t the easiest thing to do, but I knew I had to.

I guess it’s about falling (not literally =P) and rising up to walk again and again, without losing an ounce of determination. Slowly but surely (I hope).

_________

Piano exam’s next Tuesday. It’s too soon, though I can’t wait for it to be over and to finally learn other repertoires. =)

If all goes well, I’d graduate from NUS next year with a degree and piano grade 8. I’m still deciding if I should do grade 7 theory next March??

I like to plan for my life and not to live life aimlessly. And I know that God is always there guiding my every step, watching closely over me. He knows my deepest desires and I know He wants to bring them to past. =))) I will keep trusting in Him in good days and even more so in bad days. =)))

Love of My Life

2010-08-01T02:31:00.001+08:00

Week has been demanding right after my Taiwan trip – consisting of 6 rehearsals + 1 performance in 5 days. It’s probably also my most fulfilling one being able to perform on the piano (keyboard to be exact) for the first time in my life and to work with different groups of musicians and instruments.

My greatest fear in performing on the piano was, and always has been, to be so nervous that my fingers become clammy and shaky that I can’t even play a single note.

Fortunately, it went generally well yesterday, except for a stupid split note at Bar 1, some missing and wrong notes which otherwise were not obvious, but still.

I could feel my hands trembling as I played. However, once you’re being put in the spot, you absolutely can’t entertain those negative thoughts that are trying to get in your way.

I’m glad the musical was well-received by the audience, all well in the end. =) It was a step closer to my childhood dream of playing the piano in a ballroom with dancing people, oblivious of my presence.

___________

Upcoming schedule

Monday – @ CFA for last rehearsal with NUS harmonica orchestra (NUSHO) before proceeding to Suntec City Convention Hall for Asia Pacific Harmo Festival… It’s a competition actually.

Tuesday – Last 4 piano lesson before my exam and my teacher wants to go through every section this day. Exam date is pushed forward to August despite me booking in September. I’m really unprepared now if you ask me…

Wednesday – Tuition in the afternoon. Rehearsal at night with home orchestra.

Friday – Tuition in the afternoon. Rehearsal at night with NUSHO for YOG opening.

Saturday – Hopefully free.

Sunday – Church in the morning. Hopefully free later.

Monday – National Day, END OF HOLIDAY =(!

Tuesday – Start of Year 3 in NUS Nursing.

___________

I’m happy my holiday is filled with many music activities, it’s the only time I can actually put my mind and heart into practising. Come September, all will end except for my weekly Wednesday rehearsal with home orchestra and piano lesson.

I might have bad withdrawal symptoms. =/

___________

P.S: Apparently my blogskin disappeared outta the blue. Will leave it as it is, until I am bored.

Brake For A Break

2010-07-19T03:30:00.001+08:00

Monday.

I’m supposed to have piano lesson at 11am. Conventus rehearsal from 10am-5pm. Harmonica rehearsal from 7-10pm.

It is kinda daunting considering I have yet to complete packing for my Taiwan trip, exchange currency and buy some stuff.

Monday’s gonna take all of me.

Tuesday.

I’m supposed to reach the airport by 5am. Gonna crash at Tiffy’s house before that.

~~~

It’s quite a challenging schedule for an unorganised person like me. =/ I’m stoning now, trying to prolong my Sunday so that Monday wouldn’t come so fast.

Anyway…

I’ve been thinking about post-grad plans. I’m not sure if my lifestyle is able to accommodate shiftwork? The recent attachment got me into some serious considerations. As much as I like nursing, I don’t like it that much to revolve my life around it.

The erratic shifts are so gonna screw up my life in more than one way. I don’t think I’m yet up to sacrifice other commitments.

So within the next one year, I gotta source for shiftless nursing roles which at the same time, enable me to fulfill my one and only aim of entering the medical field.

Am I asking for too much?

~~~

Ok so I’ll be back almost on a Sunday. And in the meantime, I’ll try to keep my mind off whatever is and will be happening here.

THE Fall

2010-07-15T05:44:00.001+08:00

It’s 4:07am and I can’t sleep. So here I am. =)

On a fateful night not too long ago, I had a major fall tripping over a wire during a jog. It was bad. It wasn’t like I had never fallen, but this was the most traumatising.

I actually cried. Through the 20 minutes I took to walk home.

I remember the entire episode of how I felt the resistance of a wire against my ankle, lunged forward and tried to support myself, but in vain, due to the overpowering gravitational pull.

I skidded flat on the rough road and sustained multiple superficial injuries on my arms, right thumb and palm, leg, lip and abdomen. I pulled myself up, still holding on to my iPhone, which cracked under the immense impact.

(Now that I think of it, my phone actually acted like a wrist guard, shielding my right hand from further damage.)

Sand plastered itself onto the sticky plasma of my open wounds and I looked like a horrible mess.

It was about 10pm, I was alone and very frightened I must say.

~~~

I was touched to have supportive friends who composed me down much. A friend actually bought plasters and antiseptic cream for me and it was already midnight. It was during this time when I realised the importance of having “social support”.

It was an awakening experience of me as a nursing student, to not take light of diseases I deem non-serious. It is so convenient to compare the “degree” of illnesses between patients, think “Nah… This is not as bad as that patient’s. It’s ok.” and fail to realise that each patient is an individual with his/her own set of challenges and concerns.

I believe there are many more aspects to address, than the mere physical condition. That is only the tip of an iceberg. Take my (lousy) example, even though it was a nasty fall, the bruises and abrasions were not unfamiliar for me, so my physical state was not my primary concern. However, to fall alone out at night and seeing the cracks on my relatively new phone, affected me psychologically (ok not the best way to phrase). And at that point of time, I needed to address that first and foremost.

Of course, mine is the trivial-est of matters.

Magnify that by a hundred for a HIV/cancer/_____ patient and then perhaps I can see beyond what I have been previously blinded to.

~~~

Ok, it’s 5:37am and I’m supposed to have school rehearsal at 8am. Hope I do not fall asleep to my sad, slow, emo pieces.

Hi I’m BACK.

2010-07-09T18:35:00.001+08:00

Year 2 has ended, holiday has begun. It just means doing the things I like minus the guilt part. It sucks being a student here, I must say.

Upcoming events

1) Taiwan trip with the Bananas
2) Performing for Conventus (Annual nursing event)
3) ? Performing with NUS harmonica orchestra for Asia Pacific Harmonica Festival
4) ? Performing for YOG
5) Start of Year 3
6) Piano exam in September

3) & 4) are still pending, and if I’m in, it means rehearsals on Mondays and Fridays on top of my regular Wednesdays’. Not much of a holiday to talk about, but it’s good experience and exposure though. =)

Making the best of every day now.

School is starting in 4 weeks. Too soon. Dislike.

One of Those Nights

2010-06-14T23:18:00.003+08:00

If love is blind, I must have been very blind.

I hate how irrational feelings are.
How my mind and heart are always in conflict.
How my prayers seem void.
How I deceive myself.

I feel stupid. He doesn’t even know.

____________________

I find it strange that some people are actually envious of me… Or rather my life… Perhaps they haven’t seen the tears shed in exchange. And those haunting thoughts, voices telling you you’re not good enough.

It’s so convincing sometimes, it drives me crazy. For I have every reason to believe so.

In times like this, I choose to listen to the word of God and know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. To be still, and know that He is God.

2010-06-11T01:15:00.001+08:00

It has been an incredible 4 days at the Operating Theatre, a-once-in-a-lifetime privilege.

@ the Recovery Room

It was my first time seeing with my naked eyes and touching a baby conceived just minutes ago (via Caesarean), with his fingers still sticking together. =) It was pure joy just looking at him. =)))

In front of the baby was a woman in her late 20s, who just had a Caesarean. I hate seeing patients lying stranded on the bed with no one around, totally powerless and unsure of the next intervention. There she was, just given birth, and alone staring up the ceiling. =( So I went up to her and we talked, I was surprised how easily we engaged each other! =) She went on to tell me that her pregnancy had to be induced due to her baby’s heart condition and he had to be sent to the ICU at once. Tears swelled up her eyes when she told me that. =( And we went on to talk about lighter stuff… Thankfully we had many things in common =)

@ the Operating Theatre

I’m overjoyed to even enter an OT, I mean how was I to know that a childhood fantasy could actually come true?! It had once seemed so surreal, so far-fetched and unattainable. It makes me believe that I can dream of anything and it can be possible.

I had the privilege to witness
1) Stripping of varicose veins
2) Laproscopy + gallbladder removal
3) Bladder cystoscopy + biopsy
4) Removal of breast tumours
5) Removal of cysts on face and hand
6) Rectal hemorrhoid
7) Hemithyroidectomy (Removal of thyroid)
8) Below-knee amputation (BKA)
9) Termination of pregnancy (a.k.a abortion)

It was an awakening of some unknown senses when I looked at the insides of our body. Beautiful organs. Beautiful creation of God. I’m overwhelmed. =’’)

~~~

A Touching Operation

This morning, before the start of an operation, a nurse announced to all that this patient had Hepatitis B. I was especially touched by the surgical team when I saw their unwavering commitment and determination to operate on him regardless. I’m sure they’d do the likewise even if a patient has HIV or other blood diseases.

As an outsider witnessing the op, it finally hit me why people always view medical professionals as being “heroic”, because at that moment, I saw them in the same light too. Now I understand, and I am very proud of how doctors and nurses would go all out, at the expense of themselves, to save someone. =’’’)

That scenario was what every student should see for themselves, to not only be inspired, but to grasp the impact we can actually make in doing the seemingly ‘mundane’ stuff. Sometimes, it’s too easy to despise the little things we do for patients…

~~~

A Disturbing Operation

In my previous post, before the start of clinicals, I mentioned that I hope to have the chance to see an amputation op, and I was very happy that it was granted. =) It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it to be, no intimidating machines and big saws. -_-

I shall keep the details of the procedures censored for the sake of people with wild imagination like me. The worst part of the op was not the sight of it but the sound produced when the _____ is being ____. For someone with a low tolerance to awful sound, I had to act unpro and cover my ears with my hands, in an attempt to muffle it.

When this _____ doctor saw it, she said “It is not going to explode you know.” At that moment, I was too distracted to care, so I “duh-ed + *roll eyes*” in my mind and dismissed her comment. Later I realised it was just stupid lame sarcasm which was totally redundant. One reason why I like Gregory House is because his sarcasm actually makes sense and sound intelligent.

I could still take trivial matters like that, it just reflects the kind of mind you have. The most disturbing thing however, was when a nurse asked if I wanted it “medium-rare or cooked”. I was utterly speechless and offended. How can anyone make light and disrespect a body part? I mean a HUMAN body part.

Would you say the same if that patient is your loved ones? Dammit. Talk about patient’s dignity. I could have spoken up for the patient, but I did nothing… In the limiting mindset of a student.

~~~

A Sad Operation

This morning I had a chance to witness 2 abortion ops. It was a disheartening moment to see girls around my age having to go through that. I feel especially for them since I had a nightmare in Year 1 Sem 1 of me discovering that I was pregnant and having to go for abortion (due to the fetus I saw in our Anatomy Museum. Argh.)

The dream was so real and vivid, I woke up from it panting and trying to make sense/reality out of it as I lay on my bed. In my dream, I remember being so traumatised and helpless, and seeing the future I was working towards crashing right before me. I remember I didn’t believe it actually happened to me, surely it was another girl’s life story. Not mine.

As I witnessed the op process, I felt sad in my heart. It’s a kind of sad I don’t normally feel. It’s scary how a mere moment of folly, of losing one’s rationality can leave one with a lifetime of regret. This is totally not worth the price of instant gratifications.

___________________

I had a nightmare again last night, and I woke up from it at 3am. It was related to my clinicals. I was so scared… =( Sigh……

Does Aileen deserve a good celebration for the official completion of Year 2 two weeks later? =)

The In Side

2010-06-07T03:17:00.001+08:00

It’s 2:15am now. My energy level has surged sky-high recently, it gets a little inappropriate at times. I don’t know if people actually get irritated by it, when it gets me chirpy, high and all. Then again, I can draw my curtain right before you, and we can feel a thousand miles apart - in an instant, if I wish.

I’m now tearing to Joshua Bell’s “Ladies in Lavender” on the violin. I never really like the violin, it’s as if my brain’s vibrating and hair’s fizzing up. If you can imagine… And whoever came up with the brilliant idea of that awkward playing position?

This piece, however, touches something in my heart. There are some emotions which are so remote, they go beyond comprehensive words. It is when music comes in play, with the power to draw them out.

There’s probably a part of us we never know about… For I often find myself surprising myself.

MIA and Back

2010-06-02T16:31:00.001+08:00

Wow, I didn’t even realise how long I haven’t blogged. Time passed so quickly, I’m already at my 4th week of clinicals. It’s amazing. =) The faster the merrier, I wanna have my holidays like the rest of the NUS people.

And now I don’t know where to begin…

Maybe from the most recent?

___________________

Dad’s Birthday

@ Prima Towers Revolving Restaurant @ Keppel Road

*Hmmmm…. What shall I order…*

*AHHH headache!!!*

The staircase where me and Bro used to play on when we were kids. We loved running up and down and walking on the elevated red step at the side =)))

As the name suggests, the whole restaurant actually revolves, bringing us scenes of the PSA, Mount Faber and Sentosa. As if to celebrate my Dad’s birthday, there were fireworks from Sentosa at the moment our view was directly in front of it. =)))

It was a memorable moment for us. =)

We then made our way to the Resort World @ Sentosa for a look! It was our first time there after the official opening, so it was quite an eye-opener. We are planning to go back for “Air Supply” concert on 20th June! Dad first introduced this oldie band to us when we were 13 or 14. =)

___________________

Semester Results

It was just average with Bs and Cs, at least I improved, and that’s something to be happy about. =)) I don’t really place grades above all, so with this lack of motivation and attitude, I don’t expect a lot out of it.

There’re other things I place more value in of which I demand more out of myself…

___________________

Asia Conference

Since clinicals, I haven’t been going to church regularly due to time clashes and to be able to back for Asia Conference, experiencing the presence and love of God so mightily, was such an overwhelming experience for me. Something I won’t trade anything for.

Happy to sit with Alice!!! =))) We knew each other in secondary school and grew up in church together, so we’ve seen many sides of each other! =Pp

Sunday sunrise over the expressway to EXPO for orchestra cum choir performance. It was my privilege to be able to perform in the presence of many great leaders and broadcasted to millions around the world. Sometimes I feel I don’t deserve it, but thank God =))

Choir getting their hair and makeup done, looking good =)))

On the finale night with my best friends of a decade =))) Despite all.

It was an awesome 3 days of being refreshed spiritually, emotionally, physically and psychologically. Best of all, it is smacked in the middle of my clinicals when I most needed it =)))

However, a day after the end of AC, news broke forth that our church is involved in some monetary issues. It is actually the hottest topic in the media right now. Actually I’m quite nonchalant about it in the objective point of view, like what’s new?

However, it saddens me too and I actually can’t bring myself to read the news reports. I didn’t read the previous news involving my conductor and his wife too. For I know too well that local news are often so well garnished, you can’t taste the main ingredient.

Whatever it is, I know I won’t be the person I am now if I hadn’t set foot into it a decade ago. I remember sitting alone in my first service there, being scared and all cos I couldn’t contact my bestie. I actually cried. -_- I remember me as a girl, with nothing much in my hands, no dreams to work towards, and still figuring out this new phase of life as a young teenager.

But since that first service, I have never left my church and it was the best decision I’ve made in my whole life to know God and be led by Him. Never did I know that God has so much in store for me. Though I haven’t done a lot or have come very far, where I am now is something I could never imagine myself at a decade ago.

And I wanna thank my church leaders for guiding me through my spiritual walk with God, for their consistent boldness and faith in God, for always encouraging us to pray and love God even more than yesterday.

A Revelation

2010-05-19T05:11:00.001+08:00

Tonight is not the best night to have insomnia, but it’s almost inevitable as neurons explode like fireworks in the tiny space of my cranium. It’s effortless to even think, like a result of our involuntary reflexes.

It’s 4:45am now and I just gave up sleeping after 3 agonising hours of tossing and turning, trying to find a best position to sleep in. In the process, I thought of some interesting things of which only 2 are prominent enough for me to remember.

1) If you think about it, we can liken our body to the Earth, in a sense that a raise in just a few degree Celsius would have a detrimental effect on both. Earth part was inspired by Discovery Channel and body part was inspired by a febrile patient.

2) I have been very puzzled every time my piano teacher made the same comment that I always rushed when I played my scales. So logically I always slowed down after that though I didn’t clearly understood what was wrong actually.

After mulling over it during my insomnia, I finally received a revelation of the meaning of “rush” and how different it is from “fast”.

Fast – Implies a predictable constancy of consistency.

Rush – Implies an reckless inconsistency of speed, a metronome’s worst enemy.

So bottomline of that revelation, USE A METRONOME. Set it as fast as you want, but FOLLOW the tempo.

___________________

With just an hour left to sleep, the break of dawn is quite a scary thing. I have to reach the hospital by 7am and highlight of the day is to discharge an illegal immigrant. I hope I get to call the ICA, add some drama into my already _____ life.

I can’t find an appropriate word to fill that blank.

Have a rehearsal later at night too, it’s been too long since I last practised on the cello. It is beginning to seem distant and daunting. Why does it have to go lower down my priority list every time my life gets busier?

All the best to me, I only hope to survive Wednesday.

Surprises

2010-05-18T01:08:00.001+08:00

Went back to work after 2 days off only to discover a new patient with an open fracture involved in a road traffic accident. The hair at the back of my thighs stood and I could feel my legs became slightly weaker, upon seeing long metal screws (external fixation) sticking out of his heavily bandaged leg.

I haven’t seen anything like that before, and worse, not mentally prepared to see one at 7am. We talked for a while and he told me his story. I realised most patients love talking, especially about themselves.

I felt darn accomplished yesterday to finally pluck up my courage to talk to this permanently angry patient, after 1 week. From what I observed, he was always scolding his caregiver and other nurses. Thankfully our little talk went well, as in he didn’t get angry haha. I haven’t seen a slightest smile from him until now, and my aim is to make him smile hahaha.

Personally, I need to talk to my patients and create some kind of relationship. It’s just not fitting for me to nurse a stranger, if you know what I mean. Especially since I’m still a student, I don’t want my patients to feel that they are objects of my experiments. As crude as that sounds.

It’s disturbing for me to see students surrounding a patient to observe a procedure, without the consent of the patient. It’s not a show nor an exhibition. 2 is fine, >3’s a crowd. That being said, patients’ dignity is a big concern for me and I can get anal about it.

I think all patients should know the rights they are entitled to. One of which is to disallow nursing students to attend to you. Haha. But I’m uncertain if patients really have the right to choose the kind of treatments and interventions they receive. I mean, of course, this is a democratic country so on black and white, they can. But why are my patients complaining to me that despite voicing out a preference, healthcare professionals still insisted on their way?

Sometimes, I think we know our own body best and healthcare pro. should take heed of patients’ requests and not dismiss them so easily. Sometimes.

_______________________

On a lighter note, my music theory result was out today and I got a distinction. Yayyyy! I think it’s a miracle considering how I couldn’t find my exam venue thus was late and darn frustrated, and how the paper was quite different from the past-year papers I did… And I remember erasing a lot of my answers upon checking at the last 30 minutes. I blogged about it previously, describing it as my most agonising paper.

Preparing for my September piano practical exam now… I hope what happened last year won’t happen again this time.

________________________

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
- Ephesians 3:20

A Glimpse Into Nursing Life

2010-05-14T18:17:00.001+08:00

And so I’ve been posted to a 6-bedded male cubicle in a neuro-surgical ward. “Neuro” suggests brain disorders/injuries and surgical suggests pre/post operation patients.

It was my first time taking care of male patients so I had a little culture shock, otherwise, I’ve adapted well since it’s a pretty familiar environment.

There are a few cases which I haven’t heard of before. Like having a ventricular-peritoneal shunt inserted to drain excess CSF continuously produced in the brain, into the abdominal area. And insertion of atrial-ventricular fibrillation in the right upper trunk of the body for kidney dialysis, due to excessive use of both hands for the past decade of dialysis.

That patient was recently transferred to our ward to recuperate from operation. He had very bad appetite and only managed to eat 2 spoonfuls of rice that night. While eating, he asked for a plastic bag as he was feeling nauseous, and actually vomited.

Flashback of previous experience played in my mind, where a renal patient asked me for a plastic bag for the same reason, only to pass on shortly after I gave her.

Anyway, it was such a relief when I found out that he could manage to eat a full meal the next day and was no longer feeling nauseous. =) I could see that he looked healthier too. That was a big improvement.

________________

Last morning while attending to this patient whom I’ve grown to know a lot better, he started sharing about how much trouble he’s causing his wife and daughter now that he’s hospitalised. What I didn’t expect was, he started to cry too.

It was only the beginning of my shift at 7+ and I was trying hard to contain my tears which thankfully I managed to. It was also my first time being with a crying man and all I could do was to lend a listening ear. Sometimes there is little need for words.

I’ve seen how his wife would come after work every day at about 4pm to visit him and how she would stay till about 9pm with him. It is heartwarming to see how the couple still hold true to the vow they made decades ago when they decided to cleave only to each other, till death do them part.

________________

It’s been a good 4 days in the ward, 31 more days to go hahaaa…

From A Student To A Nurse

2010-05-07T04:37:00.001+08:00

3 more days to attachment @ NUH. I’m rather looking forward to it actually, it’s the highlight of every semester for me, though I don’t deny that 7 weeks of being a nurse seems slightly daunting.

Would I be able to handle it?

I’ll be posted to an orthopedic ward for 5 weeks, operating theatre and CDC (near TTSH) for 1 week each. It’d be by far the most challenging attachment in terms of length of time and kind of specialty.

For someone who cringes at the very mention or sight of any bone-related stuff (including dental procedures =/), it’d take a lot out of me I guess. Nonetheless, I must still act professionally and be the best nurse I know how.

I just hope there will be no open fracture cases or deformed limbs or body parts due to broken bones. =/ This would definitely be my first and last time being in an orthopedic ward, and it’s really fine for me not to ever see those cases.

On the other hand, I’m anticipating being in an operating theatre, it’s almost my childhood fantasy. Yay and it’s coming to past soon =) I’m uncertain what kind of operations there’ll be and am hoping there’s nothing to do with the eyes or brain. 0.0 Strangely, I think I’m fine with amputations, in fact, I’m really curious to witness it live.

They say an OT is like a carpenter’s room, with many intimidating equipment and saws. Sometimes even with the smell of barbequed pork? Due to the burning of flesh. o.o Really looking forward to see (or smell ewww.) it for myself and I feel privileged to be able to do so! =) Though, of course, we’ve all heard very bad stories about surgeons and their mannerism.

Communicable Disease Centre (CDC) is quite boring I heard. It’s mainly patient education and much therapeutic communication for people with infectious diseases such as HIV/AIDS and god-knows-what. I’m hoping time flies there, but doubting it will. The thought of travelling all the way to TTSH is a big put off.

My attachment schedule is really bad, it’s like everything I don’t want it to be. Out of 7 Sundays, I have to work on 5 of them and am spared the other 2 only because everyone else is. Thankfully my church has Saturday services, of which I might also not be able to attend to if I have afternoon shifts.

On top of that, I have a performance at the end of the month and looking at my schedule I can only go for about 1 or 2 more rehearsals. I definitely need to swap my shifts or something… It’s such a dreadful hassle.

____________________

My head seems lighter and more spacious now, good time to sleep!

Post Exams!

2010-05-05T04:33:00.001+08:00

=))))

And so our Year 2 academic studies had come to an end, and we are now trying to utilise our pathetic 1 week of holiday before our 7-week attachment commences next week. Quite a sentence-full hehe.

At midnight while studying for Microbiology, protozoa, worms and all, my bestie text me to go Malaysia after my paper! This is how random we can get! I was so exhilarated (+ the effect of caffeine), I couldn’t sleep the entire night. Literally. Gushes of thoughts flooded my mind, rendering it a malfunctioned, overworked robot.

And so I had the rare chance to witness a gorgeous sunRISE, which totally fascinated me. =)) The last time I did that at home was during my JC days… When school started at 7.30am. Ridiculous timing!

Rushed off after my paper to meet bestie to go Malaysia lol. I still find it amusing.

Enjoying our Mango Ice Kimo, really nice eh. =))

We stayed in City Square mall for about 6 hours and returned at about 11pm. I realised many things could have happened, looking at how high the crime rate is and how they take daylight robbery literally. The transition at the custom felt really dangerous, we were so on our guards. Otherwise all was fine.

Upon reaching Singapore, we realised that both of us were actually uncontactable while in Malaysia. We had no autoroaming!!! We could have been kidnapped (my mum’s concern) and nobody’s ever gonna find us.

“Living life on the edge” perfectly describes that night. It probably was a moment of folly, carelessness and irrationality. Then again, Murphy’s law applies no matter where you are and what you do.

Thank God for protection and for watching over us! =)))

__________________

The next day…

Tuesday @ East Coast Park with bestie (again…), Olive, Imran and Jay the nurses!

We needed to shed away fats accumulated during exam period due to our super sedentary lifestyle and inactivity.

Some things never change, we loved rollerblading @ ECP during secondary school days, and still do! =) Though much lesser now, like once a year? Or less? Lol…

Olive with both our slippers as butt cushion! Waha. We headed off not knowing where to go and then Imran came up with a brilliant idea to go Marina Bay’s Helix Bridge! 0.0 Extremely cool!

Silhouette of Jay as we rested under a bride somewhere near the Singapore Indoor Stadium.

YES!!! Finally arrived at our destination after about 2.5 hours. It was all worth it! =))) It was my first time there so I was very fascinated with everything, like an awakening of some sleeping senses.

The quite realistic DNA structure reminded me of “Genes and Society” module I took in Year 1. NUS has seriously taken a hold of me. Waha.

For those who don’t know, the letters on the floor actually has significance to the structure!

C = Cytosine which has 3 Hydrogen-bonds with G (Guanine) &
A = Adenine which has 2 H-bonds with T (Thymine)
They are all nucleotides of a DNA and the H-bonds are what keep the 2 strands of DNA together.

Of course my first thought when I saw “A” and “T” wasn’t that but a nicer name. Hahaha. Otherwise I won’t be so fascinated as to taking a picture with some nucleotides. =P

Bad angle of the Singapore Flyer. =/ Took it as I whee-ed past haha.

We were so tired, we took a cab back to East Coast. FAILED. Lol. The boys cycled back though. Only because a cab can’t fit in 2 bikes =Pp

Finally resting for good! Tiredness was written all over our faces. It only proved how much more we needed to exercise!

A little glimpse of sunset to end off the day. =)

________________

Bro got his driving license yesterday on his FIRST attempt! =) And so he drove us around tonight under the close guidance of my dad. But dad had to come down and help him with parallel parking hahaha. I’m happy just being driven around, it’s too much of a hassle!

We went for a joyride down ECP highway and past the Helix bridge again! Obviously it was my suggestion haha cos I wanna look at the lights on the bridge at night =Pp.

Again, my life was put at risk in the hands of a new driver!

These 2 days have been extremely life-threatening. Hahaha. Talk about post-exams celebration! Lol.

_________________

Rest of the week will be more toned-down, as I devote my time to my much neglected instruments. Much to catch up and improve.

And then I’ll be robbed of my life again, for 7 weeks.

Till then…

Exam Review

2010-04-28T23:02:00.001+08:00

Done with 3 papers in these 2 days.

Nursing – Quite bad
Medical sociology – Bad
Politics – Happy

Psychology – Tomorrow
Microbiology – Next Monday (Sian.)

________________________________

I hate open-book papers actually. Ironically I feel more restricted to write even though we can bring in all the materials we’d need. It is precisely because of that that I feel my answer has to be PERFECT which I know is IMPOSSIBLE, so I just don’t know how to write it to match my expectation. Sigh… If you understand what I mean.

In similar vein, I am always struggling to write a satisfactory essay assignment even though we have access to academic journals and well, the internet. Same reason.

Though politics exam was also in the essay format, it was done through pure memorisation and ability to crap sensibly. Thus I find it easy to write and was happy with my paper, regardless of the result I’m gonna get. It’s the sense of knowing you have done the best you know how.

The time of exam is also a major determinant factor for me. Nursing and Sociology papers both started at 9am? It’s such an ungodly time for me to write anything decent or intelligent. Usually I’m still asleep or barely awake at 9am. For the past 2 days, it also came to my realisation that so much is happening while I am sleeping.

Mornings are such stressful time, with people rushing about with the hustle and bustle of life. I had excess time this morning and so was standing by my window and people-watched. I noticed their pace of walking was much faster then any other time of the day and people seemed to have a purpose to achieve, a destination to go. I kinda liked that scene, like how every one has a role to play in society.

Psychology paper starts at 1pm tomorrow. Nice timing. I’ve read through the entire textbook leaving a non-examined chapter out. If only every module and textbook is that interesting? This is by far the only module that is able to greatly captivate my interest. I’m just happy that I acquire this knowledge, regardless of my result.

Well, in the process of it all, I’ve seen how people are so hard up about grades and all, that doing better than others mean so much? I think comparing to gauge where you stand is fine, but comparing to know that you’ve outdone so-and-so is just plain distasteful.

Like so what? Does it make you more intelligent in any way?

Yay to meritocracy, boo to its ugly side effects.

My Awesome Kids

2010-04-25T00:55:00.001+08:00

And so it goes, I have 5 kids now, ranging from 3-18 years old. =) 2 piano and 3 tuition.

A new 4 year-old girl was added today haha and she totally made my day! =)

While teaching her halfway, she took out something from her mum’s bag and showed me.

Me: What is that??
Her: *Giggles*
Me: *Takes a closer look* Oh, is that your diaper??? Why do you show me?? Hahaha.

Kids do the darnest thing! Waha.

And so I was trying to get her familiarised with the piano keys and had her put her tiny palm on the back of my hand (for a piggyback ride =P) as I pressed on the blacks keys.

"2 black keys, 3 black keys, 2 black keys, 3 black keys….”

Until we reached the lowest set where there sits only one black key. Then I turned to look at her

Me: Oh.. Left one lonely black key… Usually nobody cares for it (since it’s the 2nd lowest note)… Do you want to care for it?
Her: Yes! (With all sincerity, and stretched over to press it.)

Omg so cute!!! And I don’t know where my lameness came from seriously.

Kids are such wonders. =)))

Study Week

2010-04-23T02:00:00.001+08:00

As the title suggests, it is NUS’ (or NUS’s?) study week now. I hate study week the most, though it seems like a good excuse to avoid other commitments. The thing is, even with so much (seemingly) free time, I am mentally imprisoned.

At the back of my mind, haunting screams keep calling for me to study and they won’t cease until they bind me to a chair in front of my books. Ok I’m exaggerating, but it’s about 80% true.

While lying on my bed at 4:30am, about to give in to a short slumber, it suddenly dawned upon me that I have piano lesson at 11am. My heart skipped a beat as I leapt out of my bed and readjusted my alarm clock.

How could I forget my weekly lesson? =/

Anyway, my teacher started off with scales, my worst section. I could sense she was getting impatient and so I was getting frustrated, with myself. I could only blame myself for not practising.

After the agonising moment, we moved on to my exam piece. She reduced the speed for practice from 48 to 46 cos I couldn’t play in time. Again, I was kinda frustrated because I could play in time in my room and I actually find it distracting when she played along with me an octave higher. But of course, I could only blame it on my poor… Time management?

Moving on, she had me started on my 3rd exam piece – Chopin Mazurka in A minor, op.7 no. 2. It was on repeat for over 2 hours while I studied and I’m beginning to like it. =) Actually I don’t really have good impression of Chopin piano pieces cos the long-windedness never fail to make me drowsy, though he’s supposedly a “piano poet”. I love his cello sonatas so much more. =)

__________________

Anyway, I hope this song will encourage all of you as it has for me. Sometimes, there are too many voices in our head or that of other people, which make us feel inferior or inadequate.

But God, our Creator, paints a whole different picture of us. He says that we are an apple of His eyes, that each of us is really special to Him and He really loves us despite all our shortcomings.

Makes me wanna cry just writing this. Ok enjoy…

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

The Frog Needs To Be Out Of The Well

2010-04-18T21:56:00.001+08:00

Things are looking bleak now. I have lost my appetite yet again.

Just received a letter from my cousin in Japan, in it she attached a brochure of Nagoya, the place she’s living and studying in now. She ended the letter with “It should make you more keen to visit!” Lol, so cute.

If things go well, I’d definitely love to go at the end of the year. Anyone wanna tag along? Free accommodation! We can go eat sushi and see geishas together =)))

I just had a casual thought, that perhaps it’d be good to work in the UK for a while after maybe a year in local hospital? After all, their healthcare system is much more advanced, their salaries are much higher, nurses are more respected and best of all they have very established music therapy.

The flipside is that as an Asian I might be treated as a second-class citizen and since racism is prevalent there, I might get randomly shot down in the street after saving their own citizens at work.

However, if I wanna bring music into local hospitals, that is the best place to learn from. Like for my cousin, she’s learning the Japanese language, so obviously Japan is the best place to learn.

In addition, I have my music path to sort out. I’ll take things one at a time as for now.

Singapore is too small a place to be stuck in. =/

My Bedroom Walls

2010-04-17T21:16:00.001+08:00

I spend most of my time at home in my room, minding my own business.

If the walls have eyes, they’d see how ugly I look when I cry, how silly I look when I laugh at my laptop, how bored I am while studying, how distressed/determined/satisfied (hardly) I am with my instruments.

If the walls have ears, they’d hear my most intimate prayers, my cries and whimpers, how whiny I can get with my instruments, my mf laughter, my airy singing and my “Oh noooo”s and “Oh my god!!!”s while watching “Glee”.

And if they really have ears… They’d have crumbled down by now due to the so-called music I produced.

Almost all of the above listed happened on just this one day.

Perhaps ignorance is bliss? Sometimes it is probably good not to see or hear certain stuff.

Psychology is psychotic.

2010-04-15T21:04:00.001+08:00

I can’t describe how hopeless I’m feeling right now.

My relationship with music has been good, at least I can see an apparent improvement over 1 week.

But I have a feeling this semester is so screwed for me. I had just received a call (sixth one at 8.15pm) from the ~~Psychotic~~ Psychology Department of NUS regarding my term paper, after dismissing 5 previous calls from them cos it was an unknown number.

There is a reason why I seldom pick up unknown calls, very often nothing good ever come out of those.

Upon being told to meet them next Monday, I asked if my paper was “really bad” and the caller (my tutor cum coordinator for Psychology) told me it wasn’t, and that they just wanna “address some concerns” ….

Ok whatever that means.

The thing is, I’ve been studying Psych this whole afternoon cos that’s my only hope and favourite module for this semester. I got 84 the previous test and thought that this could at least help with my CAP.

And now I received that ____ call.

It just crushed every hope that I have. I don’t even feel like studying now. What’s the point.

______ __ . =’’(

2010-04-13T00:42:00.001+08:00

Sunday @ East Coast!

My JC friend Si Min! She joined me for church and we went ECP after service with my cell =)) I love this picture of her cos I took it. And I think my backview is nicer than my front. Sadly.

_________________

Anyway, I had great pleasure hanging out with Steph Chan tonight. I was kinda bored with school and she happened to be in town. We spent 5 quality hours together, out of that perhaps 3-4 hours talking about music.

She was confused as to what I wanna do in life. Nursing or music??? It’s kinda clear to me that nursing is merely a responsibility, something I HAVE to and called to do. Otherwise, I know I will carry this burden for the rest of my living days.

Music, on the other hand, has always been my passion. It’s something I have wanted to do since as young as I can remember and it’s something I WANT to do for the rest of my living days.

It is, however, not easy to juggle between both, especially since they are of completely different worlds. Many times I find myself torn between two, the mental conflicts are tragic. How am I supposed to divide myself when both are screaming for my attention with equal loudness?

Weigh my priorities.

Music wins.

Because I know the effort I invest in now is gonna last me through my life, till my dying days. But I can’t say the same for studies though I love learning very much.

I find it hard to justify. There is a guilt in me every time I spend more time practising than studying. How ridiculous.

Hate the constant battle within me.

2010-04-10T02:30:00.001+08:00

And so I’ve finally changed my blogskin. =) It was one of the nights when you just refused to do anything you knew you should. In addition, I stayed up really late just to read my 2004/05 entries and reminisce on my past.

Nothing glorious though.

I couldn’t help but to burst into laughter at some of the silly things I wrote and did. And that was about 4.30am. It’s probably good to look back once a in blue moon and reflect on the changes we’ve made in our lives, be it good or bad. Oh and I found a long-lost song which I wrote and forgot about. I like the lyrics! =)))

That aside, my days have been rather low recently. I could probably attribute that to my sickness which is impeding me in some ways. Many times I’m too drowsy to focus for long and it takes a lot out of me just to study or practise.

I realise I have been whining a lot more to my instruments and that should never be within the earshot of anyone, for obvious reasons. It’s just meaningless sounds of frustration, not that they serve any purpose though… =/

I was just practising my current orchestra piece on the cello and at the end of my practice, I realised I was hearing my conductor’s voice throughout. Him telling me how it should be played when I reached a certain bar and him counting “1… 2… 3… 4…”.

What happened was, I was slightly late for the recent rehearsal and there happened to be no other cellist. So the moment I entered the room, I felt like turning 180 degrees and go right back home. I mean… Dvorak No. 8?!?! It has so many solo cello parts!!! How am I going to survive. =(((

Flashbacks of previous experiences revived and haunted me for a while. I thought of the time when I was singled out to play some bars because of some mistakes. Then I was just an amateur and noob (and sadly still is) to this whole cello/orchestra thing. Needless to say, I was traumatised and rejected the cello for a period of time. I even refrained myself from looking at it every time I walked past it at home.

So anyway, my conductor was really relieved that I was there, I mean at least there was a cello, though in my mind I was like “Omgomgomgomg”. Well, the whole rehearsal didn’t turn out as bad as I had thought it would be. My conductor was very kind to have guided me throughout (probably knowing how stressed I was) and encouraged me every time I played correctly. I’m fortunate in a sense he is also a cellist. =)

I couldn’t ask more. He’s the best conductor I’ve come across. Other conductors might have screamed at me, torn my score, or chased me out. Maybe. Ha.

Albeit surviving through the rehearsal, I broke down when I reached home. The pressure was a tad too intense for me. I did not play up to my own expectation, the orchestra had to repeat some parts because of me and I couldn’t catch up at some parts.

In the midst of crying, I text my conductor to thank him for that night. And he commented that I have improved loads and he could hear my improvement. =) That meant a lot to me, though I couldn’t help feeling sad.

I think it was quite an achievement tonight to even take out the score and practise it, ignoring what happened and determining to get it right. Well, there’s no point brooding over it since eventually I still need to practise and get it right. As right as I can…

I just have to say it again, I’m very very thankful for my conductor, it could have been a lot worse.

2010-04-07T03:05:00.001+08:00

Not in the best of health recently being down with sore throat and running/runny nose resulting in intermittent blocked ears.

But happy to spend the entire Tuesday in my room, only leaving for toilet breaks and food in kitchen. =))

Otherwise, my room has everything I need for survival.

I think my life is too predictable, there are just these few (interesting) things that I always do haha…

And so I’ve been reading the Psychology textbook on personality. I still cannot decide if I’m an introvert or an extrovert…

Sometimes I’m this and sometimes that, depending on situations and people (Ok maybe I’m not that predictable… But my life is haha.). However, I think I’m an introvert innately.

I love entertaining myself (that includes laughing at my own jokes) and am perfectly fine being alone anywhere.

Being “anti-social” in Psychology term, does not mean choosing to be alone or avoiding social activities as it is conventionally presumed. Rather, it means deviating from the social norms, exhibiting irresponsible and harmful behaviours. Such as, lying, stealing, murder, manipulation of others.

So… Obviously I’m not an anti-social as a few have commented. *ahem*

That being said, I’m also fine in the presence of (non-creepy) people. Especially recently, I don’t know how did I manage to find so many words to say. Omg. It’s probably my almost all-girl environment in school haha…

Hence the confusion over introversion and extraversion. But I don’t actually care, if not for the topic which intrigued me enough to do a little self-reflection…

Oh by the way… My own world is a very special place, accessed only by me. =))) And perhaps my future half =))) In it, I live my dreams.

I hope to be able to bring it into reality, so I can share my little world with everyone too hehehe.

2010-04-04T03:54:00.001+08:00

I think you can dismiss my previous thought about imperfection and a human touch, that is probably just a convenient excuse.

Maybe. I don’t know…

It’s just a fine line between mistakes and accidents.

There are some situations which are beyond our control no matter how many I-should-haves our mind can conjure up.

2010-04-02T03:29:00.001+08:00

The best comment I have heard in 2010 is “You are not a CD player.”

It was for a friend after his piano recital of which he thought he played badly in.

That sentence struck me and had me mulled over it for days.

Does creativity mean playing an exact replica of a recorded piece? Do we strive for excellence or perfection?

If the purpose of live performances is to connect the audience through music, isn’t having a little imperfection a better representation? An indirect human touch, to remind ourselves that no matter how much we have prepared, there will always be a possibility for screw-ups.

“Human error” they call it.

Unfortunately, very often society deems that “humanness” unacceptable on stage.

The stage could jolly be the scariest place on earth, where imperfection is scorned at and where mistakes are amplified.

I think it takes much courage to be a musician, for putting yourself up in a position where it’s easy for others to pull you down.

It also requires a strong person to get back on his feet again, putting behind his past and walking forward towards his imagined destination.

A dream is a thought of which we use our whole life attempting to manifest, bringing it from the invisible realm into the natural realm. It is costly, it requires all of us.

And it is probably worth all the heartaches, headaches, sweat and tears at the end of the day. :)

2010-04-01T01:22:00.001+08:00

YIPEEEEEEE.

I am finally done with all my essay assignments for this semester, and have gone through 5 essays and 3 exams since CNY, ie in ~6 weeks.

I hope that’s just a ONCE in a lifetime experience. I’m mentally exhausted now, but extremely happy. =)))

I could never have imagined myself having to survive through this, but when you are thrown into the ocean, you NEED to somehow learn how to swim, there and then.

This reminds me of the time I willingly threw myself into the orchestra and nearly got drown, if not, being swallowed by bigger fishes or maybe an octopus.

The only way to learn how to swim is being in the swimming pool, out of your comfortable safety zone. And being in a position where you are vulnerable to being ridiculed.

You got to have thick skin to shield you from criticisms and a thin heart to be receptive to other people’s comments on how you can further improve yourself.

That aside, Olive and I had a great therapy at the movie tonight!!!

Tada! How to train your dragon. =)

Awesome show!!! I love animation. Creativity brings your mind out of the natural realm into a make-believe world. For a tour. =)

And I badly needed that tonight!

This movie reminds me of a verse

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty;
1 Corinthians 1:27

Hiccup (the main actor) was the scrawniest and most timid of all, yet he became the one who revolutionised his society.

Night fury/ Knight Furry (his dragon) was the only dragon which doesn’t kill, yet eventually he fought with the strongest dragon and saved every one.

It’s quite encouraging, I have a little more hope now.

P.S: Sorry I just have to spoil it. HA

2010-03-28T22:19:00.001+08:00

What an unproductive Sunday.

I’m so disappointed in myself.

I have not practised cello for 2 days.
My essay is just 1/4 done.

How ill-disciplined.

My brain just refused to do anything now, though my heart is urging it to.

Why can’t the both of them ever cooperate.

_________________

Today pastor talked about something which I have been thinking about recently, ie waiting.

W = Withstand (holding on to your ground in the face of extreme pressure)

A = Anticipate (Expectation is the atmosphere for miracles!)

I = Intercede (Pray and not lose heart)

T = Trust (Acknowledge the lordship of God)

I guess in this fast-paced society, nobody likes to wait. We all want instant gratification.

However, waiting is so essential and a phase everyone has to go through to achieving anything great.

I came up with an analogy a few years ago – the Little Mermaid analogy! =))) Remember how she had to wait until she was at the right age to ‘see the world’? Hearing her sisters blabbered on the wonderful things they saw didn’t help at all.

Still she HAD TO wait. If you remember the ending, it was certainly a worthwhile wait.

Waiting also trains us to trust in God’s timing. He is never too early and never too late. Time is in His hands. :)

However, it doesn’t mean that we should just sit around and wait for the promises. Faith is a verb, it is never passive.

So keep doing what it takes to achieve our dreams while waiting patiently for them to come to past. =)

2010-03-27T22:55:00.001+08:00

My dad promised to buy me an iPhone next week!!! It’s so timely as my current phone is starting to get cranky now, though I like it a lot.

I’m just thinking if someone like me would need such a phone. I hardly even use my phone, much to the frustration of many when they try to reach me. I think. And I can’t imagine having to charge my phone every day when I only do it once every 3 days now.

Anyway, shortly after being exhilarated upon hearing the news, someone angered me.

He was staring at me, looking darn frustrated like I did something wrong? I stared right back at him, until he looked away.

What a/an _______.

If your conscience is clear, you do not have to be afraid of anything or anyone. There resides in you a kind of boldness, a quiet confidence, a come-what-may attitude.

Oh and I really like African songs!!!!!

The Africans are exceptionally awesome!

They exude a kind of rawness and genuineness that make me very happy. I like their unpretentiousness too =)

It makes me smile just listening to them. =)))

Music right out of the heart =)

2010-03-27T00:57:00.001+08:00

It was such a relief submitting my politics essay =) But I doubt I will do well.

I’d say it’s rather demoralising at times in university when you look at your results, think back on your past results in previous schools and wonder what the hell happened to you.

Gave myself a little treat earlier by watching a chick-flick – When In Rome.

Wahaha it’s so funny, easy on the brain with average typical love story plot. I’d give 3.5/5

The main actor looks good at first and kinda normal subsequently but vice versa for the actress.

I find unassuming-looking guys the most attractive, like you know there is much more in them than the way they look.

Hmmm I know I probably shouldn’t even think of that 4-letter word now that my Sociology essay is crying out to me. However, regarding matters of the heart, it clings on to you day and night until you address them.

And I probably wouldn’t say it here.

But I know God knows because He’s the only one whom I tell everything to… Regarding that.

2010-03-25T16:31:00.001+08:00

Alone @ Central Library.
It’s the most popular library in NUS, I don’t know what’s so fascinating about it. Hate the little shuffling noises made by the masses. I’m here only because I need some books for politics essay reference…

Dateline’s tomorrow.

I’m always confused between “deadline” and “dateline”. I don’t yet know which is right. It means the same thing anyway.

After submitting, I’d have to start on my Medical Sociology essay which I have no idea if I can complete it in time.

Deadline’s next Wednesday.

Some of the essays I wrote deserve to be torn and burnt.

___________

Walking on an endless road, guided by an imaginary destination.

2010-03-23T12:35:00.001+08:00

Alone @ Music Library attempting to do my politics essay.

Life has been kinda routined now. Things I do daily – Going to school, do some schoolwork after school, practise cello and some piano at home. =)

It’s easy to form a general equation

My life = Church + School + Music

Hehe simple, but enough to keep me occupied every day and agonised some days.

It has been like that for the longest time and I love it =)))

I have nothing to talk about now, just feeling pleasantly joyous for no particular reason. I’m even smiling now as I type =))))

Who cares? I have the right to smile whenever I feel like Haha.

And perhaps I should tryyy to refrain myself from getting overly and unnecessarily excited over the littlest of things, like I sometimes do hahaha.

2010-03-20T00:16:00.002+08:00

It's hard not to get pessimistic sometimes with all the negativity around.

Just flip the papers...
Especially the recent hype on cheating?

And personal experiences where guys hit on you, acting desperate and all? And the next thing you know, they are attached to another girl? It's baffling.

But good for them. And me.

My bro made it compulsory for my future bf to have to pass through him first lol... I don't know how he's gonna do it, but I think guys are better in reading another guy's intentions? That's what bro is for! =)))

Few days ago, I was talking to my aunt on FaceBook and she was telling me how men can't be trusted?? I think that's a sweeping and unfair statement and of course I disagree with that. And... Men are not all the same. -_-

Whoever came up with that?

But it does make me feel like I have to be extra cautious.

Anyway... My aunt was an air stewardess many years ago and she'd buy me magnets from the countries she went. During our FB conv, she actually suggested me to become an air stewardess for 2 years after I graduate?

The thought is extremely tempting I'd say. Free travelling around the world + allowances given. However, it's never my calling/desire to be one. So I won't deviate.

Gotta FOCUS... Everything I do must be driven by a sense of purpose and passion, I don't like me to do things half-heartedly. Doesn't mean I don't, but I don't like it when I do.

2010-03-16T23:46:00.001+08:00

Microbiology Test

I passed. Good enough cos I dislike that dead boring module. What am I supposed to do with all the microbe names that I remember?

I admit I didn't put in much effort to study for that. I don't see why I should when I'd probably forget after a few days? So what's the point... The result?

My bro promised to buy me a nice jacket if my CAP increases this semester! Hehehehe. At least something to look forward to and work for. =)))

Dead modules suddenly come alive. :)

2010-03-14T22:45:00.003+08:00

Music Theory Exam

Yesterday's theory exam was the worst one ever since 'A' level. I used up the full 3 hours and it was so mentally grueling I had to stone for 1.5 hours after that to recover.

I had about about 0.5hour to tidy up my paper and complete blanks which I left out. It was agonising questioning and scaring myself unnecessarily as I double-checked my work. But I know I really did the best I knew how...

Result will probably be out in 2-3 weeks. I hope not to let my teacher down =(

Next up, I will be starting on my piano practical exam pieces and stuff. I dunno if I have the time to practise well. But yea I must trust my teacher. =)

~~~
Psychology Exam

Just saw my Psychology test result... I think it's not too bad... Quite happy with it. =) I'm going to skip Psych tutorial and lecture tomorrow. =) Not due to complacency (as what I'd like to think) but because they are not value for time.

~~~

Daphne's Housewarming

Great celebration for end of music exam and every other things. I have never drunk so much alcohol in my whole life and I got super cranky haha. Now I slightly understand why people like to drink their sorrow away.

You get an instant high and escape from reality.

For a while...

Maybe even that little while is worthwhile in a midst of disarray.

~~~

Movie with Orchestra

We watched "Nodame Cantabile" which is an orchestral show. They played Bach No.1 in D minor! A piece we last performed at VCH. Brought back memories of Sofi playing on the piano and fulfilling her dream, and me struggling to get the notes right on my cello.

I love that piece...

The movie also depicts life of a musician. The kinda mental agony of reaching a point where you almost want to give up, where dreams seem far-fetched, where there is always someone better than you, where all eyes are on you... And you screw up.

But there resides something greater in you - a burning passion, a secret desire.

Which keeps you going, even if it means you have to drag along the shackles on your feet, being a laughing stock, being demeaned.

~~~

Plans for next week

1) Start my sociology essay.
2) Practise my cello everyday
3) Time to return for orchestra prac

2010-03-13T11:42:00.003+08:00

It was a great Friday night! Felt darn happy like being released from 3 weeks of bondage. It was that bad.

Since CNY we have conquered 3 essays and 2 tests. =)

And later, my music theory exam. FINALLY. =) Quite excited about it.

Upcoming up: 2 more essays within next 3 weeks.

Just do LOR... Since they like it so much.

~~~

Anyway, I suppose many people are rather put off by the media fuss over the latest scandal. I had only read one article online and can't be bothered with the rest.

I mean... Don't you ALREADY know most of what are reported are false? Unless of course I'm reeaaalllly bored and have nothing better to do, then maybe I'll read. Which is rare, and I kinda miss that feeling haha. Or rather miss having nothing better to do. =P

I think there ought to be some regulation in the media? Someone (reliable) to verify the reports? Otherwise I'd think it's all thrash. Like in our essays, whatever that we write has to be referenced from a trusted source. It's tedious but at least the reader knows there is SUBSTANCE in whatever we write (hopefully =P).

It makes me think of the difference between local journalism and paparazzi? And I'm still confused.

I think perhaps future news should be written more OBJECTIVELY instead? Many times, life is dramatic enough. If it's not, then it's probably not a big deal and they can save the trouble by not publishing.

And I don't wanna spend my few cents reading about what they think about an issue, I don't even know them and unless they do something to what they think, they are just cheap words.

PS: This is an extremely biased perspective from someone who has little knowledge about the media and how it works. Hence some of the statements might be extreme, but it's all only my opinion, so there's no wrong or right, right? =)

2010-03-10T00:20:00.001+08:00

One more essay and we can finally take a short breather. =) It’s a nice feeling having to conquer each obstacle with my friends. Like we’re all in it together. =)

Life has been too dramatic recently. It must have been God’s grace which brought me through. I wonder how much pressure can one possibly withstand? Studies aside.

I have been greatly misunderstood. My intentions for ____ has never been of evil, but I was treated with revolt. It hurts, so I departed silently.

Sometimes I wish I had a more normal life with less tears and fears around me. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side? We can’t have the best of both worlds.

Having said that, I am still contended with the patch of grass I am standing on. At least there are some really green blades. =)

Man may fail us, but God never fails. Gotta learn to give thanks in all things. =)

2010-03-04T22:55:00.001+08:00

My appetite has shrunk tremendously ever since CNY. Or even before.

I sometimes eat just for the sake of eating. This is quite bad huh…

I can somewhat understand why my cancer patients always leave their food untouched, no matter how appetizing they look.

Some chemo drugs produce a metallic taste in your mouth, and nothing tastes good. Some make you nauseous even with the little that you eat.

Sometimes they are so depressed, food is the last thing on their mind and others just want to rest.

However, food is especially crucial to boost recovery, so this is a big concern for us.

What then can nurses do to encourage them to eat?

I’m sure every nurse has their own method somehow. Maybe.

From the littlest experience I have, I find being with them while they eat will actually subconsciously make them eat more. It is best if we can sit beside them and talk to them while they eat.

That is just a super ideal method which unfortunately is kinda unrealistic in view of the amount of (paper) work we have to do.

It boils down to this question

What is the essence of nursing?

Most nurses would say “To care.” But take a look, how much have we deviated from that? That nursing has become a technical and mechanical job.

I think the healthcare here is not holistic enough. We may have excellence in terms of physical care and cure, what about the other components which make up the totality of a person’s health - their psychological, emotional and spiritual needs?

I read from an article which says that the spiritual need is most crucial for a terminally-ill patient.

Which makes sense.

“I know I am dying, I don’t need more pricks and tests. I need some assurance as to where I will be going after this.”

“The doctor told me there’s no cure for my disease. Can you just pray for me?”

(Some thoughts I conjured up, which may be possible scenarios.)

So… The other 3 neglected components are my main concerns regarding the healthcare system in Singapore. Physical health wise, I think we are good.

That’s why I hope to be able to bring music into the hospitals to hopefully make it more ‘whole’.

A place without music feels incomplete and empty! :) The atmosphere in hospitals can definitely afford to liven up by a notch.

I am darn good in digressing. From appetite to music hahaha. Everything can be linked to music! =P It’s on my mind all the time, every day.

2010-03-04T02:04:00.001+08:00

Apart from the overwhelming schoolwork, I wanna talk about something more light-hearted =)

That flirting and sugar-coated words don’t work for me! Totally. I may feel flattered maybe, but not impressed.

I think it’s unnecessary to try so hard, girls know and can see through you, though they might of course not reveal it. Ha.

Having said that, I wish he’d try harder… I’m too blind to see sometimes…

Or maybe I’ve been deliberately refraining myself from reading too much into things, lest it’s all the work of my incredible imagination..

Ever felt like this before? Like your heart and mind are telling you different things and you don’t know which to agree to?

Like the best thing to do is to “wait and see how it goes”?

And of course P.U.S.H (pray until something happens =P)

Sometimes doing seemingly nothing is the most difficult thing to ‘do’.

Ok it’s not very light-hearted at all. =/

2010-03-02T22:58:00.001+08:00

There is a purpose in everything that I do. Or at least I know why I am doing things.

But not for school.

It seems meaningless sometimes, I am just not use to it? It’s just a big waste of time.

I’m referring to modules which make me memorise and regurgitate for the mere sake of it (particularly the test coming up – Microbiology). Pick anyone in the street and they can do it too.

That’s what I think.

What is so impressive about that?

Does that make me more intelligent in any way?

We have tests all the time, and we don’t know our mistakes because we don’t ever get our papers back but instead an alphabet.

Is that what learning is all about?

Everyone’s merely going through the motion right? Or maybe just me…

I know I always talk about my school system!!! Cos it’s disturbing. It conflicts with my values and I need to vent out.

And now that I have done so, I need to get back to memorising for my test.

Booo

2010-03-01T02:53:00.002+08:00

I'm scared...

Like something's gonna happen...

2010-02-28T23:25:00.001+08:00

I don’t understand many things which happened… Or why is it always the same people with the same problem?

Don’t they have the common sense to learn from their mistakes and not make it again? And again…

Or walk the obvious same path of a failure?

Well, I ought to be more compassionate right?

_______ ___ .

Why do I always have to take all this _____ caused by others?

So much for trying to live a “decent” life, going to school and obeying the rules.

But who am I to say? When I was the very person who drove Jesus to the cross, undeservingly bearing all my sins, that I in turn can have the greatest love of all.

=’’(

2010-02-27T16:50:00.001+08:00

I haven’t stepped out of home from Thursday evening to Saturday afternoon. Will finally go out tonight for a concert.

Been turning down many things this week to recuperate… I’m not sick to the extent of being immobile/non-functional =X, just wanna prevent getting sicker.

I totally can’t afford to man.

2 tests and 1 assignment due next week.
Music theory exam the following week.

I am in quite an irritable mood now and I think I’m so prone to offending people due to my sarcasm and my directness hahaha.

I should seriously do some self-reflection.

Or you can just let me know :)

2010-02-25T22:04:00.001+08:00

My mum is an awesome woman. :)

The one who corrects my every unglamness all the time, who shows me other people’s unglamness and teaches me not to do likewise. =X

Especially as a girl/lady/woman.

She stresses a lot on personal care and stuff I wear. I always feel that I have to be on my best behaviour with her around… Cos she will somehow scrutinise me top to bottom. Ha.

She knows all my bad habits, my favourite food and my ‘pattern’. =P

Very well.

She was the one who encouraged me to learn the piano, seeing how much I wanted to. And bought me a good piano at the risk that I might someday stop learning.

She was also the one who bought me a rather ex badminton racket when I got into my school team.

She never once object to the things I wanna do in life and always supports me by her actions… And silence… =’)

I think she’s funny! Always the one teasing others, and bringing laughter. Haha.

She’s a very strong woman too. =)

I hope we can go to church together one day…

I wanna be like her. =)

2010-02-25T17:48:00.001+08:00

My mum has persistent headache and I don’t even know what to do with it.

It sucks to feel helpless.

People expect nurses to know everything. Even nursing students. They ask me questions from the head to toe and expect me to know everything at my finger tips (pun intended =X).

Some feel mighty high that they know something related to health more than I do.

Fact is, do you seriously think that anyone can know everything about the human body in just 1.5 years? There is an astronomical amount of information to digest.

I hate it when people say mindless things like “You are a nurse right, you’re supposed to know.”

If you have ever said that, stop it.

Would you see an Oncologist for your broken thumb?

Common sense would tell you not to cos that is stupid and you know an Oncologist can’t do much about your thumb. He might refer you to an Orthopedist who knows better.

Like you don’t expect a violinist to know how to play a cello, just because he is a musician. -_-

I need more patience to deal with such people.

2010-02-24T21:04:00.001+08:00

Skipped school yesterday!

Happy I did because there was only 1 read-from-notes lecture by a lecturer who sounded so boring I think he bored himself sometimes.

Not worth the effort travelling to school since I’m feeling unwell (physically, emotionally, psychologically. Hahaha)

So I reckoned it was a good day to finally make my way down to Tanjong Katong to repair my cello and change a new set of strings. I’ve been procrastinating it for the longest time…

Not very proud of that.

Felt good just being surrounded by pianos :) They look magnificent by themselves! :) Brilliant invention :)

Tools!!! 0.0

Cradling my baby Charles :)

I like him! Nice fellow to talk to :) We happen to share the same birth date too :)

Found out that there are just about 3-4 repairmen in Singapore.

Very happy with the result! I love the new strings too! :)

And there is no excuse not to play better now……………

Hmmm. I think it’s also high time to tune my piano now… My tuner took 1.5 hours to tune mine last year cos I didn’t tune it for years haha.

Tsk…

~~~

My angling is really bad

@ School’s McDonald’s

Planning for our July holiday trip to Taiwan!!! I really hope we are able to go! We need more vacations seriously.

Let’s not go into schoolwork… It’s driving all of us crazy.

Everyone’s so tired in school now. Boo.

2010-02-23T09:34:00.002+08:00

My gastrointestinal system has been cranky lately… That I feel nauseous after every meal I take.

What’s going on inside of me? :(

It’s not something unfamiliar though… I get that whenever I’m overwhelmed by things, particularly schoolwork.

School has started and we are all flooded with impending tests and assignments to submit.

Plus my music theory exam is in < 3 weeks’ time.

Sometimes… I think maybe it’s good to be sick? At least there is a valid reason not to do anything and just rest without the guilt. And perhaps it’s just the body’s way of forcing us to take a break.

Ha, this coming from a nurse… -_-

2010-02-20T22:24:00.001+08:00

I think I am a very blessed girl! :)

Thanks to everyone who made my birthday such a touching and memorable one :), really appreciate all the effort my friends put into… :’)

Birthdays are not a very big deal for me, it is perhaps a good day to reflect back on our journey and see how far we have come? Or how far we are to achieving our dreams.

I believe everyone has a purpose here on Earth, is what we are doing in line with that? Otherwise, stop doing things aimlessly and start doing what you have always wanted to do!

Life is too short to waste on things you dislike doing. Eww cliche. But true. :)

On my birthday, I thanked God for taking care of me and protecting me for the past 23 years + 9 months and for placing so many wonderful people in my life to help and encourage me on my way.

Indeed God knows all our needs. :)
Knowing Him is the best thing that happened in my life.

I also remembered my big brother… The one whom I never had the chance to know… But I know he’s watching over me. =’)

So much for now… Gotta START writing a 500-essay about my view on the importation of foreigners into Singapore… Asset or liability?

I think it’s generally an asset, though of course some of their social behaviours put people off. -_-

2010-02-17T03:59:00.001+08:00

It has been the best week of 2010!!!

I am so blessed and touched to be reunited with my extended family members and my best of friends. :)

I wouldn’t trade anything for that!

School work takes a step back this week though it’s constantly screaming for my attention. It’s gonna be extremely tough when school starts next Monday.

I’m scared now as I think about it…

To digress…

I like this pic cos of my big foot! Hahaha.

This is Jeff my godbro! We’ve known each other since I was about 15 years old… So in his impression, I’m always this 16/17 year-old girl. -_-

One night I had a dream that he was attached, so I asked him and TRUE enough, he just got attached. And now he’s happily married to her! =)

He likes this pic cos it’s sketchy = my face is unclear = looks nicer. -_-Hahaha.

@ his house! Had a surprise celebration hahaha… This must have been the most surprising one ever, maybe cos I kept forgetting it was actually my birthday since it coincided with CNY and like I mentioned, there’re many other things screaming for my attention… Boo.

Anyway, we were talking about our lives and stuff and I mentioned about my Psychology CAs which is just 5 days apart from each other and how crazy is that blabla…

And he said one sentence which struck me…

“You can one la if you put your heart into it.”

It might appear like a casual/cliche statement but it actually made me reflect. I thought back on the things I actually put my heart into doing.

I always think that I have really bad memory? But there was once I really put my heart into learning a Bach piano piece and I can still remember every note now… (Cos it’s the piece I used to prove myself wrong with.)

And how I put my heart into studying/memorising for my very FIRST test in university and got among the highest… I remember the test was the day after Jeff’s wedding.

I think it’s a matter of how much a person wants a thing? If you want it bad enough, you can actually have it? Hmmm…

Like if you want to live long enough to see a family member for one last time, you can actually hold on to your dear life even as Death beckons you?

I’m fascinated by the human willpower. I don’t know where that comes from… Is it in us all along? Does it surface only when our relentless determination forces it to?

Anyway, the tragic thing is that subsequently, I became complacent/lazy/”attitude” and I stopped having the desire to want to score well (for various reasons)? And my grades plummeted in ways you cannot imagine. =X

It is bad considering it was only after my FIRST test.

2010-02-15T04:16:00.001+08:00

Just wrote about “comparison of a human being with another” but I didn’t post it. Haha.

Comparison is really a mean thing to do.

I came up with an analogy many years ago about it.

Think about balls.

There are a thousand kind of balls.

Ranging from a pinball, pingpong, golf ball, basketball…

Fishball, meatball, sotongball… Lol.

They are all BALLS but very different balls.

Is a tennis ball better than a basketball?

How do you answer that? How can anyone compare 2 different things of 2 different purposes???

A tennis ball works best being hit by a tennis racket on the tennis court. A sensible person will not replace a basketball for that.

Likewise, it is 100x easier to run while bouncing a basketball than doing the same with a tennis ball.

Common sense conclusion:

1) We are all human beings.
2) With very different purposes and abilities.
3) So there really isn’t any basis to compare on.

Therefore, people should stop comparing because it doesn’t make sense! And worse still, it might have detrimental effect on a person’s self-esteem and mindset about himself.

Please refute if you want.

~~~

That aside!

I love this year’s CNY celebration with my maternal family!!! It was really encouraging that they were so supportive of me doing nursing and music. :)

But as usual they are hoping I could get a doctor as a boyfriend or something…… –_- What’s so good about doctors actually.

My aunt warned me about “pervertic” doctors too! It’s not something unusual. Working in the healthcare industry is extremely (quality of) life-threatening.

My grandma was quite cute, she went on to “assess” me and commented that I have a “nurse” look and others which I won’t say. All well though, but I don’t like to be scrutinised!!! Hahaha.

She’s quite concerned that the majority of her grandchildren are not attached yet!!! Lol…

The following pictures are CLASSIC. It never fail to make me LAUGH hahaha.

This is my youngest cousin, Edward, playing with the hairdryer.

Prior to this, he wanted to “shoot” me with it. Lol…

PRICELESS expression!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

If he sees this 10 years later, he’d probably kill me! But he laughed too! =P

Picture of the year!!!!! =P

2010-02-14T01:17:00.001+08:00

It was an awesome reunion with my relatives! I love being in their company, my aunties and uncles are such funny people!!!

My cousin and her doggie!
She is the same age as me so we grew up together for our first 10 years of our lives, :) Combining our Polly Pockets and hopping from playground to playground!!! :)

We went to the same kindergarten and primary school and were taken care of by the same nanny too. :)

Us with our youngest cousins (9 and 11) who couldn’t stop talking! Lol…

The entire house was filled with noisy chatters and laughter, it was heartwarming being in the presence of people who saw me grew up. :)

Anyway,

Happy CNY everyone!!!
And a happy Valentine’s day too!!!

May your days be filled with love and warmth from the people around you! :)

2010-02-13T01:21:00.001+08:00

THANK GOD IT’S THE END OF FRIDAY!

Surviving through this week is a victory in itself. My brain seriously needs some rest and quality sleep. I am feeling the mental lethargic effect.

“A mind of its own” has new meaning now! It sucks when you can’t even control your own mind. Mine has been over-stimulated recently by the continual generation of thoughts and questions.

Even as I lay on bed, mentally exhausted and ‘urgently’ needed to sleep, it just wouldn’t stop thinking. Maybe I’m subconsciously worried about something or plainly stressed out?

I think of the most random questions like

“What is the difference between visualisation, imagination and a fantasy???”

It seems that "visualisation" has a more positive connotation to it, like thinking of something 'sensible'. Whereas a "fantasy" might imply an irrational thought.

However, essentially, thoughts are boundless and I think that all 3 mean the same!

How can one mark the 'cut-off' point of being rational or irrational... And why do we often hear things like "Stop fantasizing" when everything that we do first starts off as a thought? Is it more "wrong" to fantasize than to visualise???

Never underestimate the power of one thought.

The more you think about something, the more you veer your life towards it, and your entire course of life changes.

~~~~~~~

My mind raised another question too.

“If a person talks ill about his own race, does that make him a racist? And will he be charged?”

Racial differences is an extremely sensitive topic to talk about in Singapore, especially so due to our many racial conflicts in the past.

It is not uncommon for people to be charged for making rude remarks about another race which might exacerbate the ever-present racial tension, which is just below the surface, barely covered and very fragile.

So what would make of my above question???

Will talking ill about a person’s own race cause racial tension??? I believe to a certain extent yes.

It is even more convincing for another race to hear it from the horse’s mouth and confirm every pre/misconception he has for that race.

And in the long run, IF racial conflicts arose, he has more reasons to be against that race.

Therefore a person who speaks ill of his own race is insidiously building up negative impressions in the minds of other races and hence might indirectly aggravate future racial conflicts (if any).

Just my 2-cent worth of thoughts.

What do you think??? I’d love having a discussion/debate anytime.

~~~~~~

Speaking of which…

I did a group presentation for politics tutorial today. Early in the morning at 10am!!!

Topic was

“Was PAP’s single-minded aim of ensuring Singapore’s survival at all costs responsible for the eventual separation from Malaysia in August 1965?”

We touched on the economic, political and social aspects. I took social as I’m not very familiar with the other 2.

I talked about how LKY wanted a “Malaysian Malaysia” but Tunku wanted special rights for the Malays.

Man… I was nervous. Firstly cos I don’t think I’m really good in speaking? Worse in a group of about 25. Secondly, there were many way outspoken and knowledgeable students in it who actually majored in History kinda fields.

And the last thing I wanna do was to screw up my group result since it was determined by the rest of the students.

But all well in the end!!! They thought that the points about racial tensions and economy were good :) and overall presentation was “commendable” hahaha.

Phewwwwww…..

Definitely worth losing sleep over for the past 2 nights. :) Glad it’s over. :)

Till then…

2010-02-10T00:28:00.001+08:00

This week is daunting. Fully packed days from Monday to Friday! I need to stop and take a deep breath!

And frankly speaking, I’m overwhelmed.

By the present. And the future.

It seems like my entire year has already been planned out.

February – CNY, assignments.
March – Assignments, music theory exam
April – End of Semester exams
May – Attachment
June – Attachment
July – Precious little holiday.
August – Orchestra concert, school
September – Piano exam
November – End of Semester exams
December – Attachment, Christmas

+ weekly piano lessons and orchestra practices + church and cell group meetings through the year.

I’m afraid I’ll end up screwing everything. It’s like putting all the eggs in one basket?

Then again, last year was similar. Though of course now I’m in Year 2, my music grade is higher, orchestra is playing more difficult pieces and attachment is longer by 3 weeks.

I feel better now after listing everything. At least I know I’m being stretched because I am going to places I have never been. I feel the resistance as I more forward, breaking those walls in front of me.

And I know that God will not bring me to a place where He knows I can’t handle. :) And I know that no matter how many times I fall, He will pick me up and we will continue this race together. As always.

2010-02-07T03:02:00.001+08:00

Time spent at home (or rather in my room) is too precious… There are just too many things to do even at home.

It takes a lot out of me to go out of my house sometimes and that is a big issue concerning my unpunctuality. Sigh…

And whenever I’m out, I hate wasting time because of the thought that I could use that time more productively at home, like practising on my instruments while I’m still energized.

However, when I’m home in my room with my instruments < 1m from me, I can’t touch them due to schoolwork or simply reaching home too late. It is like dangling a carrot in front of me.

The feeling is horrible and depressing.

I love Saturdays because it’s my only free day. I’d definitely like to stay at home if not for spending time with my closer friends or family. I love their presence :)

Brief meet-up with MengChing and KaiLin today @ SoupSpoon again :)

Then I had to meet Dad for his company dinner @ Grand Copthorne

He went around introducing me to his colleagues and it was quite nice to just tag along without the need to entertain. =P

This, as I had just learnt, is called a “Tea VASE” as said by a waitress. It is quite an unusual term but it made sense after a while. :)

Ok I’m feeling emoo and kinda disappointed with myself this week. I could have practised and studied more instead of idling around. *shrug*

2010-02-06T01:56:00.002+08:00

It was an eventful Friday! :)

I like eventful days, somehow I feel more useful… Or rather more productive.

I’m finally working on my first exam piece, hope it’s not too late. It’s by J.C.E. Bach, J.S Bach’s 2nd youngest son. :)

I like Bach :) Though many of his pieces are in running notes which seem to go on and on, there is something captivating about that. It makes you take a second listen.

It’s hard to get sick of his music even after hearing it 100 times :)

Recently I noticed a significant increase in the people I know getting ATTACHED. Maybe it’s the start-of-the-year kinda thing???

Or maybe I’m actually at THE age already?

Erm, yea definitely hahaha.

My mum was married at my age. I just can’t imagine myself in her shoes haha.

In any case, I believe we shouldn’t be pressurized in any way to rush into making such an important decision in life. I mean what’s the hurry when eventually both of you are going to spend a lifetime together?

Patience is the key!!! :)

Sigh… And maybe I should stop fantasizing.

Though much of what I am doing now is what I 'fantasized' many years ago.

Maybe it’s different when it involves another human being…?

2010-02-04T14:11:00.001+08:00

Shrug.

I think someone/myself accidentally threw away my music theory notes and past exam papers which I have done. How can I survive without it??? At least for the next 1 month before my exam.

Registration for piano exam starts next week. I’m going to register for the September one, which is the latest month for exam. Orchestra is having a public concert beginning of August too.

On top of that, I have a 7-week attachment until end of June.

Honestly I don’t know if I can manage. =/ Hmmm… Actually, I’m doubting.

But I’ll certainly not give up music for SCHOOL. Music is a lifetime investment… It goes with me till my dying days.

Whereas school is just a passing phase. Most of us forget what we learn anyway.

However, there is another side to it, that since it’s a passing phase, it only happens once in a lifetime and we gotta make the best out of it. Reasonable.

Take note that the word “best” is subjective and is a variable. :)

There are just too many inner conflicts in my mind.

2010-02-03T01:21:00.001+08:00

Well, it was just a go-through-the-motion day. What’s new?

The only thing I did differently today was – I have finally tried YAMI YOGHURT. Haha.

I wanted “Honeydew” but it was sold out. “Peachie” too… –_- What a bad first experience. They could have put a sign or something to indicate???

So I ordered “Winter Melon” which has quite an awful first taste but got better subsequently, so I was fine. :)

Bumped into a friend and she commented that I’ve slimmed down, that was what Emma told me yesterday too! *Beams*

However, I looked into the mirror and was not convinced… =/ I don’t even exercise now.

But well, it is probably due to my loss of appetite? When I wake up in the morning, food is not one of the first thing on my mind now (usually it is. =P)

And also probably due to my timetable which is nicely planned such that breaks in between lessons are minimised. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whatever is it, school is kinda plain now. People are acting strange and I am not motivated to study at all. To think that I used to love studying when I was younger… But somehow along the way I just lost it.

(Btw studying does not = learning.)

I must admit that I am never a hardworking person and complacency is a big issue for me. That’s probably why I’m better in subjects which doesn’t have a definite answer and doesn’t require much memorising. :)

I love those subjects. Think along GP, literature and stuff like that…

After all, you can always find definite answers in textbooks, why the need to memorise?

*shrug*

Can someone give me a good reason???????????????????????

With a sensible rationale, I think my grades are more likely to improve. It is because I can’t see the reason behind doing something, which causes such reluctance to do it.

This has always been on of my biggest mental conflict. It’s agonising.

On the other hand, I am happy with my relationship with my cello now though. :) I look forward to practising after school each night :) My teacher must be happy to know this haha.

Reason is simple.

I practise, and actually see the result. This acts as a super positive reinforcement which makes me wanna improve more.

And I’m not practising for any exams or to please anyone. It is just a pure desire to want to improve just because. There is no string attached and the only pressure comes from myself.

This is such a huge irony, certainly a field of study psychologists might be interested in. I will willingly be a research participant anytime, in hope that they might be able to come up with a solution and revolutionalise the entire education system.

(Participated in 2 Psychology researches today… And more to come! Because they made it compulsory.)

2010-02-02T00:04:00.001+08:00

Recently I have been practising the cello more than the piano. Cello is much more fun actually, though of course more technically demanding and frustrating.

It is just strange…

Yesterday, I had an offer to play in a string trio in a wedding for about $xxx/hour. That’s great news! I hope the timing doesn’t clash.

And today, a friend asked if I could play for a yearly nursing event in school. I think it’d be real fun to play together with my fellow schoolmates! I like our cohort. :)

When I think back, I’m amazed in the way things actually line up.

I guess when we sow our little seed of (whatever) talent and keep watering it, God will eventually multiply our little seed and open more doors for us.

I’m in awe of how God works as I trace back on my journey with the cello… And the people and opportunities He put in along the way to make that journey possible.

It never fails to touch me and bring tears to my eyes.

It is a ongoing journey for as long as I can still live and function…

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning amidst the many mountains in life.

And at times, my vision is impeded and I loss track of my direction – what am I practising for? Where will this eventually lead me to?

As clueless as I still am, I just want to be a good steward of this little seed that God has placed in my hands, and with that, to glorify His name in big and small ways.

P/S: The above pictures were taken at Lake Toba, Indonesia! :) Thankfully the fog cleared shortly after we arrived, to unravel its magnificent beauty. :)

2010-01-30T02:55:00.001+08:00

My schedule is kinda packed now, and will be worse as weeks go by.

But I’m not complaining! I love this semester due to “Psychology”, “Medical Sociology” and “Government and Politics of Singapore” modules.

I love the tutorials! I actually have to think now. I love Arts modules. They are interactive, boundless and creative. I have the opportunity to learn together with the non-Science students and engaged in discussions which opened my mind to many interesting point of views (which are neither right nor wrong).

Especially during politics tutorial today… Out of 24 students in our group, only TWO were from Science – me and my nursing friend! I was extremely impressed by how the non-Science people argued their points and how they were opinionated and bold to voice out.

It was simply mind-blowing.

I wish that Science students can be similar in this aspect too, it will definitely spice things up in school.

I believe they are not passive or reserved, but the question is,

WHAT IS THERE TO ARGUE ABOUT WHEN ALL WE ARE “LEARNING”/READING ARE MERELY HARD-CORE FACTS???

WHAT IS THERE TO THINK ABOUT??? WHEN THERE IS A DEFINITE ANSWER TO EVERY QUESTION.

SCIENCE DULLS ONE’S MIND AND MAKES ONE UNCREATIVE.

IT IS A ONE-WAY LEARNING WHERE TEACHERS TEACH AND STUDENTS LISTEN AND MEMORISE.

However, after all’s been said, of course Science is still extremely important in life. We need the knowledge, especially in healthcare when you’d never know when you could make use that piece of knowledge to actually save a life.

I love learning (but not studying for the mere sake of it). Sometimes I ask the seemingly most ridiculous questions, which people take for granted, just for the mere fun of intriguing a person or making a fool out of myself.

Why do you pronounce “Soldier” as so-JURE and not so-DIER?

Why are there more guys playing pool than girls? When it’s not even a physically-demanding “sport”.

If the Sikhs are Indians, why don’t they want to be classified as Indians? Their ICs show their “race” as “Sikhs” instead.
(This was a question brought up by my Sikh politics lecturer which I went around asking my friends =P Nobody knows! But I found out eventually on Wiki)

Ok I can’t think of any more questions I asked, these are the most recent ones hahaha. I think I have very nice and accommodating friends :)

On a lighter note, it was such a fun night!!! I hardly hang out actually because at the back of my mind, there are always things I know I ought to do. =/

A friend had just gotten his 9-months bonus and so treated a few of us for dinner, pool and supper lol.

@ Soupspoon @ Raffles City
My FIRST time! Finally

My incredibly awesome Minestrone!!!
I had just learnt the proper way of pronouncing that… :) It’s actually 4-syllabic.

And his wild mushroom soup thing which I didn’t really like

Chicken wrap thing which I liked! But the salad was the weirdest one ever. This picture is bad.

Pool @ Bugis

I totally suck in pool! So I stopped playing after 3 rounds to spare my poor partners lol…

Then the famous Rochor beancurd!
Awesomeness!

Thank God it’s Friday!!!

p/s: And I wonder why do people like taking pictures of FOOD??? For me, food is a wonderful piece of art! Creative in every aspect – colours, texture, combination, decoration (Garnishes? And inedible salad like the above) and even the thoughtful blending of taste.

What’s there not to love about food! =)

2010-01-26T01:40:00.001+08:00

In a very unusual way, I owe what I am to you.
Though at times it appears I won't stay, I never go.
Special to me in my life,
Since the first day that I met you.
How could I ever forget you,
Once you had touched my soul?

- “Unusual Way” in movie “NINE”

It says it all.

~~~

I saw the trailer for “NINE”, it looks like an awesome musical and I WANNA WATCH IT. :)

2010-01-24T03:15:00.001+08:00

I woke up at 2pm today after much tossing on the bed, trying to relish the very last moment of sleep.

I have been exhausting my mind recently with school and unnecessary stuff. I think I need another vacation =P

Spent my day playing piano, which is getting really depressing due to my malfunctioned left hand.

My piano teacher has been teaching me music theory for the past 2 months. It’s plain and dry and kinda suck. I don’t really look forward to it now. (Which probably explains why I overslept and totally forgot I had lesson on Thursday)

It’s high time I start practising for my September practical exam on my own. What have I been doing!!!

~~~

“The Jewelled Air” @ The Arts House

Went for a performance tonight with my orchestra’s bassoonist. It was a hassle to find people to go! Everyone I asked (whom I thought would be interested) had something on.

For that reason, I would rather do things alone sometimes. AND I’m nearly anti-social now hahaha.

@ The Living Room before the start of the performance.

We sat at the FIRST row! Lol… So it was reeeally near to the performers.

A chair which speaks. It exudes so much aura, even in this picture haha.

I would love to have the honour to sit there with my cello one fine day. And perform of course lol…

Oboe, bassoon, clarinet and piano.

This was an oboe and bassoon duet with piano accompaniment. I thought that the oboe and bassoon go well together!

Clarinet has a soothing sound which I liked too.

40 minutes into the performance, it dawned upon me that I actually know the bassoonist! –_- She played for our orchestra before and I remember we even had some small talks and I brought some food for her during break.

I’m just bad in recognising faces. =/

All well in the end, the performance was greeeeeeeat. I am surprised I liked it though I’m not a fan of woodwinds =P

I actually teared a little at one part… The joy exuded by the musicians and the sincerity of their music were too touching. =’)

2010-01-21T02:09:00.002+08:00

Been hit by the harshness of reality recently… And I thought maybe that’s the world’s way of saying HELLo.

I am staying strong. I have/need/want to.

There is no pausing in life. It drags you along as long as you are alive.

Sometimes I feel like a coconut riding on the waves of life, being tossed about by the circumstances around me.

There are many things beyond the boundaries of my control and maybe the only thing I can control is my mind.

I can choose to believe.
I can choose the kind of words I wanna tell myself or say to others.
I can decide to love someone.
To change my attitude…
To renew my mindset.
And maybe… To deceive myself.

And alternatively, the opposite of everything above.

I can force myself not to think about it… Some things are so heartbreaking, you wanna just chuck it at the back of your mind, and hope for the best.

I don’t dare to close my eyes, for the things I see in my imagination scare me and make me sad.

It is mentally exhausting, I wish I can sleep instantly.

2010-01-18T03:44:00.001+08:00

It’s MONDAY.

The thought of school is overwhelming, so I am just going to take one day at a time.

Since the start of school, I have been having various assorted bad dreams almost every time I sleep. Even in the littlest of sleep.

I wouldn’t call them nightmares, just bad dreams.

Such as

1) Swimming as I ‘escorted’ the world’s largest crocodile out into the wild and as doing so, my legs brushed by a fat snake which was something like an Anaconda.

After the crocodile was released, a smaller crocodile bit me on my legs and I woke up.

2) I was at my grandma’s and there were 5 cats in it… I quickly hopped on to a couch and watched as those cats marched by me, looking evil with their slanted eyes.

Suddenly they split into 2 and started growling at each other. Stupid cats. I hate cats.

3) Someone broke my cello. The wood of the back was split. I was hugging it and crying so badly. And I woke up.

4) I accidentally hit a ‘bass’ guitar… It was a guitar which probably is non-existent in reality but in my dreams I perceived it as a bass guitar which had 6 strings and golden pegs.

It was resting on its stand when I knocked it, my cello was resting on its stand beside it. And my first instinct was to save my cello from being hit by the guitar.

Haha, so anyway, the owner of the guitar was just beside me. After I knocked it, all the strings loosened and I looked at him and said “Erm… It’s ok, you can always tighten back the pegs…”

No it’s not ok to him. Haha.

~~~

Today must have been the bleakest Sunday ever. I had only ONE face-to-face interaction the entire day.

Went for a different service so I was alone. Happened to sit next to a Philippino (Is that the right spelling?) Neurology nurse and so we talked briefly.

THAT WAS IT.

Came home and resumed watching “Saving Private Ryan” and took a nap. It is a depressing and touching show and Spielberg was absolutely brilliant.

2010-01-16T01:55:00.002+08:00

Stupid insomnia.
It screwed up my mind! Hahaha. Ok for once I felt "legitimate" to blame that for it.

Firstly, I didn't know what was in my mind at 5.30am to spur me to set my alarm clock at 10am to ballot for tutorials, which could be done ANYTIME before 3pm. For that redundant effort, I hope I do get the time slots I want!

Secondly, I missed my 12pm lecture cos I thought it started at 2pm! I only knew it when I text a friend at 12.30pm to ask him to help "print notes for later"...

So ta da~ I have broken my new year's resolution (to attend ALL lectures) on the 2nd week.

I didn't feel smart at all in any way.

So, I ended up vacuuming the entire house (it was a good workout) and cooking soup again with the remaining ingredients.

Had a taste of a housewife's life. Haha.....

Had cello lesson in the evening... And throughout we only focused on TWO bars, ie less than 10 notes. But in those 2 bars alone there were many techniques to learn...

There is a mountain of skills I have yet to grasp. Sometimes it gets discouraging. It's like standing on top of the mountain, trying to shovel away the earth beneath you, in an attempt to flatter the mountain.

It is unrealistic and impossible.

Like what my teacher said... It is a never-ending process of learning. No one can say he/she has known everything about the cello.

So we simply have to keep flattening the mountain, till we can dance on it! And keep shoveling till the surface area of flattened earth becomes larger and larger and hence more dancing fun!

Me and my 2.30am analogy. I hope it makes sense! Hahaha.

~~~

Received a phone call from Mum after lesson and she delievered a good and an extremely bad news.

Life has been flatuating. I don't bother letting my guards down anymore. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that my life could be a little more "normal" for once.

Whatever the case, I'm praying for the best, knowing that God is in control of every situation. A kind of quiet trust in the midst of turmoil. =)

2010-01-15T04:42:00.007+08:00

It's 4:42 in the morning.

I CAN'T SLEEP. There is a great influx of thoughts running through my mind. And I dunno why.

Had a free day and it was great.

Piano lesson was fine, teacher extended 0.5 hours more again and reminded me that I have 7 weeks (= 7 lessons) to exam. 7 seems long so it didn't stir anything in me hahaha.

Being random as I am, I had the urge to cook some soup after lesson? And so I did and was very proud of that hahaha. Dad liked it too! :)

After being happy with my extremely healthy and tasty soup, I went to watch "Did You Hear About The Morgans?" ! Cos a schoolmate treated hahaha. I am so blessed recently! Maybe God knows I get EMO when school starts. Need lots of such surprise therapies. Lol...

Anyway, the show was hilarious (though the plot was lame)! We were laughing throughout lol... But I dunno why "The Newpaper" only rated 2.5 stars for it. Chey no sense of humour! Whoever that was.

Went for cellgroup and on my way back at about midnight, I witnessed a disgraceful act.

A boyfriend pushed his girlfriend onto the floor right in front of me. And walked away feeling mighty proud.

Wth was wrong with him I do not know, but that was no way to treat a woman.

The girl was on the floor and whimpering. I was in utter shock. Things like that only happen in DRAMAs right??? Stupid naive me.

She stood up and I went over to her... She was wearing an ITE uniform, the same as her bf's. I tried to comfort her and asked her some questions... Found out that they had a quarrel and it was his first time (and I hope it'd be the last.) abusing her like that.

Well, throughout, I had a strong urge to tell her to just break up with that ____. But, who was I to say that? So I didn't and just told her that he shouldn't do that to her. I hope she knows that she deserves to be treated better.

She insisted that I should go home soon, so I hugged her and left, feeling quite helpless about the situation.

What could I have done?

~~

Life has been pretty interesting since the start of school. And it all has NOTHING to do with school! Obviously.

It's 5:22am now and I am still not tired... Suppose to have a lecture and cello lesson later. Sometimes I do not understand myself too. Maybe it's my soup???!!! =) Celery power! Hahaha... -_-

2010-01-13T18:50:00.004+08:00

After school yesterday, I was reading a book on my bed beside the radio. It was tuned to Symphony 92.4 since I was in the rare mood for some classicals...

It happened that the DJ was calling for people to call for a pair of concert tickets. So, for the mere thrill of it I called.

To my surprise, it actually rang. And to my utmost surprise, the DJ actually picked up! Hahahaha. I couldn't believe it.

The conversation went like this..

Me: Hallo?
Her: Hi
Me: Is this Symphony 92.4?
Her: Yes, and you are calling for?
Me: (What else duh...) Erm... The concert tickets?
Her: Haha ya, congratulations you're the first caller. Do you know the name of the concert you're calling in for?
Me: Haha! I don't know. (I felt dumb seriously) Erm... Let me think. *......* But I know the pianist's name!
Her: Haha, so what is the pianist's name?
Me: Joel Ma!
Her: Ok for that I will give you the tickets to *the name which I didn't catch again* on 23 January at 8pm.

Lol, then she took down my particulars and I should receive the tickets soon by mail.

It'd be at the Arts House, Living Room.

Looks not bad!

Hahaha.

And I checked. The name of the event is called "The Jewelled Air". It's a reed trio consisting of an Oboe, Bassoon and Clarinet, with pianist Joel NAH (Not Ma! Hahaha. Must be influenced by YoYo-Ma.) And each ticket costs $25.

I'm totally not a fan of woodwinds though... Haha, shall see...

~~~

Went for a nap after the news and practised my cello at night...

Was just practising on the Tenor Clef, still trying to figure out how to sight-read it... And after a few minutes, it was like what my teacher said... I got a REVELATION and as if in a snap of a finger, I could sight-read it there and then!!!

It's amazing. Exhilarating. And totally unexpected.

Previously I had to write the alphabets of the notes one by one above the notes, but now I don't have to!!!

It was like Magic, like my cello was playing some funny tricks on me! I was so darn happy.

Talk about the joy of learning! =)

2010-01-12T01:05:00.004+08:00

First day of school!

Nothing special, just that the crowd and noise level were especially high.

Dad picked me up from school at 7.30pm and we went over to his office for a while... It was nice to see a Bible on his desk. =) Over there, you could see me furiously printing out my school notes and stuff. In COLOUR. Hahaha.

Came back and practised on my instruments... Lazed around while reading notes for tomorrow. Quite proud of myself... Hopefully this can last through the semester. Yesss...

Felt bored and practised on cello again... Trying to get a technique right... And just as I THOUGHT I got it... My dad opened my door and told me to stop 'playing'.

Imagine as you are about to sink your teeth into a juicy burger, someone snatch it away and eat it! That was how I felt. =/

I hate my practices to be interrupted.

But I do understand it was already 12.40am. =/

I understand that they don't understand too.

But... I have already mute my cello and I was playing loooong slooooow notes on the Eb major scale!!! Unless it sounded horrible and nightmare-inducing... Sigh.

Anyway, this is nothing new.

Ok, happy with my rant. Going to bed now.

2010-01-11T01:11:00.006+08:00

Still up! Trying to relish the final moments of my hardly-there holiday.

Talk about the unpredictability of life...

I left my handphone in the toilet today (2nd time) at the Airport and realised it only about half an hour later. This shows how often I check it.

As expected, it wasn't there anymore when we went over. Throughout the 'ordeal', I swear I was really 'zen' and calm about it. Haha... (Maybe I have lost it too many times??? Ha... Or maybe this couldn't be compared to the damage done to my piano.)

I was just concerned over the pictures in it! My Indonesia and little random pictures which I haven't uploaded due to my malfunctioned laptop...

A friend made numerous calls to my handphone but nobody answered though it was ringing. We couldn't understand, I guess it'd been too long a time that the founder probably had chucked it aside.

So my friend sent a text to my handphone, hoping that the founder would call.

We made our way to a reception counter to fill in a lost report form. This form and reception counter thing never work. Seriously. Most of the time, if people sincerely want to return your phone, they will try ways and means first rather than to surrender it to the receptionist.

As I was filling up the form, my mind was already thinking of all the hassle I would have to go through to get a new phone... And contacts... And of course gone are my lovely pictures.

But well, there is always a twist to a story!

RIGHT after I filled up the form, my friend received a phone call. Not from the founder, but from my DAD! With the good news that my handphone was in safe hands. Thing was, the founder was already in NOVENA...

My dad then went over to the founder's place and retrieved it for me. The founder happened to be a doctor at TTSH... And guess what? He even gave my dad a chocolate cake.

Unbelievable. But take that!

Mystery for you to solve: Throughout the entire event, neither me nor my friend had ANY form of interaction with the founder. How did my dad end up calling my friend???

Clue: THINK! It's not that difficult a mystery lol... =)

Unanswered questions
1) Why did the founder take my handphone with him all the way to Novena from the Airport???
2) How did he reach there in such a short amount of time??? (After half an hour, we checked the toilet, filed a report and *Bam* he was in Novena???)

Obviously he drove, but I still can't fathom it. Unless he was in a rush?

I am beginning to think perhaps he's an ANGEL... Haha...

It was just a really strange event altogether. Though I am still rather surreal about it.

But I am really grateful to be back with my phone and the founder made a slightly better impression of doctors for me. =P

2010-01-09T00:20:00.002+08:00

Woke up this morning right AFTER a sweet dream. :) Wish my dream come trueee hahaha.

Lunched alone @ JP and played a bit of piano before heading to the pooool. For a moment I wondered why was I the only female there, then I realised cos I was in SAFRA... Lol.

Highlight of the day was probably my cello lesson!

Teacher commented that I have improved much since the last lesson (which was in Nov). :) So that's good news. :)

I have to attribute it to the "Eb Major scale" which I am currently addicted to and those previous circumstances which, in a way, "urged" me to practise as a form of outlet.

Emo nights are best to practise the cello.

At least something good came out of it.

Of cos I have some bad habits to get rid of and improve... PATIENT PRACTICES. Don't pretend you don't know it's wrong. Don't assume you can get it right 'somehow' the next time! Pay attention to every sound you make. Keep reminding yourself until it becomes second nature!

A good musician doesn't require the teacher to always keep a lookout.

Some of the things I learnt today. =)